Sorry I'm Negative Nancy, but she's hilarious!!!!!

So recently I was told I was a negative person, which honestly cracked me the hell up. NEGATIVE?!?!?! Do you have any clue the shit I would post if I WAS???!! It would scare you, not kidding. Maybe I just call it as I see it? Not negative at all in my book. Here is the truth, people are generally stupid (there she goes being negative again). But seriously they ARE!! People are generally their own worst enemies, cause problems onto themselves and quickly look around for someone to blame. I am guilty of it too.  Here is the truth; I am chubby because I don't do anything about it. WHAT?!?!?! NO WAY!?!?!?! YUP!!! TRUTH!!! If you have a shitty job? Get a better one or go to school to further your education, if your relationship sucks, move on, if you your house is 'not what you want' work harder, if your bills aren't paid, be more disciplined. It is honestly that easy. Nobody is to blame for your crappy life, nobody but you. I am sure that people have screwed you over, hurt you, etc, but how you react to that is your own choice. Everyone has had a difficult point in their lives but its up to you to change and/or learn from it. You can be the victim or the hero in your story, its yours. Stop blaming others for your misfortune.
I used to be a totally different person then I am now. I was a rug to whoever needed to wipe their feet. I made a choice about a year ago that making other people happy was no longer important. There are 4 people in my life that it is my job to make happy and they currently live with me. I have had more people live with me then the Super 8 up the street, I have had more false friends then the Hiltons and I have helped almost as many people as the Salvation Army, but at the end of the day it has left me lonely, neglecting my family and exhausted with nothing to show for it. The only person that could change that was me. And I did. There are many times I have written something that I KNEW would piss people off but honestly who cares? Why are my feelings less valid then yours? Why should I curb what I have to say because it may sting a little. Now, I am not saying go around saying whatever the hell you want regardless of peoples feelings, but don't be afraid to speak up. I am the only one that can change what I don't like about my life, nobody else. The person I am now is someone I am proud to be. It doesn't embarrass me at all that I prefer to be home, I don't like to have people over or party, that my husband is my best friend and I consider a good night to be sitting on the couch laughing with my family. I didn't used to be this person and I spent many years wasting it on bullshit people.  Not anymore. I am gaining the control back and have become the boss of my existence. If that bothers you? Too bad.
Look people, if you don't like the way things are, change them. If you can't? Make the best of it. I hate living here but I have too, for now, so I will make the best of it. I will write whatever I want, if you don't like it? Don't read it...but it's my feelings, thoughts and observations, not yours. So move on and find something else to piss you off, because my words, are MY words, but your choice to react to them. Call it negativity or truth....
My most favorite poem.....

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley 

 

 

Just Beautiful......

STOP BREAKIN THE LAW ASSHOLE!!!

So recently in this 'classy' little town I call home 'for now', a young man was killed by police officers by use of a taser.....OH one more thing.....HE WAS COMMITTING A CRIME AND DOVE THRU A WINDOW. Now, as earlier stated I am a DJ (relevance? I will show you). My DJ Facebook page usually brings me HOURS of enjoyment, it just blows my mind the stuff people post for the world to see. Anyway, yesterday I am updating for work last night and I see all these people posting 'RIP so-n-so', and 'He was too young', 'Damn pigs killed a good homey', I could go on but as I am typing this crap my brain is shrinking....regardless....REALLY??? What the hell is wrong with people???? DAMN PIGS KILLED A GOOD HOMEY??? *Ahem* I am sorry, correct me if I am wrong, wasn't said 'good homey' cracked out, performing a home invasion and dove thru a window to get away from said 'Pigs'?????? Ok, just wanted to make sure we were clear. Also, I am going out on a limb here to ASSume that if he wasn't on 'crack' he wouldn't have died from the taser? Ok, just verifying. Now, here is the deal. I have the utmost respect for police officers and the sacrifices they make. These people go out every single day, say goodbye to their families and in the back of their heads have to wonder if they will make it home. Now mind you, I will say that there are SOME (very few) SOME policeman who maybe don't always have the highest integrity BUT they are human. Can you honestly look at yourself and say you practice integrity in everything you do?? I doubt it.
So, as I am sitting at my computer reading this BS, I am getting madder and madder. He was breaking the law?!?!?! While I understand that death is a devastating thing (in most cases, but don't lie, in some cases, you would break out the champagne) but how is this the cops fault???? Hey here's a thought!! I have never broken the law, SO therefore, I have never been tased...??? Get it??? Look people of less intelligence, the cops are here to 'Protect and Serve'. What this young man was doing was being a danger to himself and others, the cops are there to handle it, any way they decide. Ask yourself this, if you were at home and someone broke into your house cracked out, wouldn't you call the 'Pigs'?????? Probably!!!! And if this was YOUR house and the 'Pigs' behaved the SAME way, you would probably be on FaceBook talking about how 'Awesome' it was. So why in this instance is it 'sad' and 'BS'????
I don't understand some people. I just can't wrap my head around it. I am over the ignorance of other people. Here is a new motto: 'Don't break the law? Don't get tased'...Run with that, write it down, I don't care. But don't blame the people that make the SACRIFICE to make our town safer for MY family and yours. In almost EVERY SINGLE case of people talking badly about the police, they are law-breakers. I am sick and tired of hearing people refer to the people that protect me and my family being discussed in such a derogatory manner.
I could honestly sit and give 100 examples but honestly anyone who feels that the cops are 'pigs', are of a lesser intelligence then me, so I would have to use small words, definitions and instances in every example, and I just don't have time for it. I am proud and happy to know there are people out there protecting me and my family. There are people out there risking their lives to make it safe for my children to play outside, and walk to school. But then again I am not a complete and utter degenerate. This kid broke the law, and was caught and punished. The only unfortunate thing is the loss his family will feel due to the CHOICES he made, and for that I do feel sorry. No parent should have to bury their child.

Yes, it is an actual job....

SO, I have to do this because I am so FRIGGIN irritated right now!!!!!
Yes, I am a DJ, yes it is a 'fun' job at times...But it is still a JOB...a J-O-B!!! So with that being said, why the hell do people deem it appropriate to say 'Hey you should let me DJ sometime' or 'Can I DJ for a bit, I am really good at it"????
WTF??? Look, when I go and get my latte in the morning, I don't say 'Hey let me do that, I just made coffee yesterday so obviously I know what I am doing"
LOOK ASSHOLE,  stop asking if you can come DJ like it's a fuckin hobby!!!! IT IS MY JOB!!!!! So NO you cannot do it one night!!!
Is it really that you are good at it? Or is it that it just pisses you off that a white housewife is doing it??? It must just chap your hide that a white housewife is one of the most well known DJ's in town...It must just piss you off that while you are flippin burgers or 'workin on your rap album' that I make more money then almost any other DJ in town?? Is this a racial thing???? Or is it just the irony of it all. Is it that you are all showing up every weds spending all that hard earned money *snort, cough, giggle* that I blow on sushi and latte's? What is it really??
Yes I know this blog is just OOZING with snootiness, but really...I am OVER it....
I know a FEW other DJ's in town that are different then I, and what they do takes a ton of hard work and years of learning but even though I am a fellow DJ I would NEVER assume to even grasp the type of Djin they do OR would I ever ask to do it, cuz I can't and it is their JOB....JOB...get that??? Respect what I do to support my family, I respect whatever it is you do...I have no interest in making my own double cheeseburger, so please stop asking if you can come work at my job. Get over yourself and your 'color' or 'love of Snoop'. I know what I am doing and unfortunately I am very good at it....good enough to work two days a week making more then most people do in a pay period....(thats two weeks btw). SO while you are sitting around with your 'homeys' running your mouth about how much 'better' you can do then me? FUCK OFF, cuz obviously you can't.  And remember, you and your 'homeys' are the same ones hitting on me every week and putting money in my tip jar and in the register...So with that being said..."THANK YOU" I am going to lunch with my husband today, currently enjoying a $5 coffee, and had incredible sex last night....(another thing I have that you don't, an active sex life)  Dammit, hold on, my Iphone is going off...anyhoo....gotta run..I need to download more music for you to spend your money while listening to tomorrow night. Plus I have a busy day, remodeling my 3200 square foot home....
Please enjoy your day today, I know you have a ton to do....meet with your PO, rummage for change in your couch for a tall boy, and fight with your baby momma on why she hasn't seen a lick of child support in months...but hey, don't sweat it, your rap album should break soon!!! I can just feel it!!!

It is called self-reliance, you half-wit....

So Tuesday nights are usually my nights. Kevin goes to bed and I play catch up with all my shows, that me, THE BEST WIFE EVER don't always subject him too. So tonight, I tuck Kevin in and plant my ass firmly on the couch, to soak up a few hours of Grey's, Private Practice and Real Housewives.  (insert laugh here). Now I know that most of you are wondering why I don't do that with my countless hours of free time during the day but truth be told, I actually do a lot during the day.....ok, ok, MOST days......*sigh*....FINE...some days...whatever. Regardless, I usually watch these on tuesday night so that I will be sure to sleep in weds since I have to work....YES I KNOW I SLEEP IN EVERYDAY......FUCK OFF!!!

Anyway, tonight I watch Private Practice, bawl my brains out, run to CC for some hot chocolate, come back and start RHOC. Now, I KNOW this is a stupid show, BUT it is HI-larious to watch...tonight however I became highly annoyed, and here is why....you are welcome.

Now mind you these bitches are Orange County wives. SO these bitches do NOTHING, literally NOTHING. Now, I know that I am a princess, Kevin does everything...I mean, honestly, I haven't pumped gas in years, taken out the trash in years, mowed the lawn in years, and I couldn't tell you when my last oil change was, because I haven't done that shit in years either. So yes, I am a princess...BUT, Kevin on the other hand hasn't cleaned the bathroom in years, changed the sheets in years, dusted, mopped a floor, etc. And oh shit, let ANY of the TV'S/DVD'S/Computers break, he wouldn't know what to do.  I can also GUARAN-FUCKIN-TEE you if you asked him when the sheets on the kids beds were last changed? He would look back at you with a blank stare. SO honestly we both have our jobs..

Anyhoo, the difference is I am self-reliant. IF I had too, I could pump gas, change my oil, change a tire, install spark plugs, and honestly I could live in the wilderness for a week, (my parents own a survival school btw) SO I know how to be self-reliant. THESE bitches on the other hand, couldn't even *GLAMP*. Not my word btw, theirs!!!!! *Glamp* or *Camp* to the rest of the planet, is to *Glamorous Camp*. They went to a cabin RESORT in Santa Barbara to *Glamp*, which meant, they slept in cabins, WITH electricity, had dinner, PRE-MARINATED delivered to them, WITH WINE, to there 'Campsite' and it was D R A M A!!!! It was literally like watching an episode of The Three Stooges. No lie. It was absolutely horrifying how helpless these 'woman' were.

Now I know since the Suffragettes, and the Feminist Movement women have fought tooth and nail to become equal to men. A lot of women lost their lives to fight for us to enjoy the freedoms that we have today. Do you think the woman that are looking down on the Housewives are embarrassed and ashamed? I mean, they have to be, at least a little. There has got to be a few up there thinking...'I did not fight for these bitches'...I myself am quite embarrassed.

 *Yes, that is a phone in her hand, to order pizza, while *glamping* cuz they couldn't figure out how to start the fire......even though they had pre-cut wood......AND a fire-starter......wow......*

Thank God that my parents raised me to be self-reliant. God forbid something to happen to Kevin, but if it did, I could take care of my family. It is a LUXURY that I have help. But if I didn't, I COULD do these stupid little things that need to be done. I COULD change the oil in my car, I COULD switch out a light fixture if needed, I COULD replace a wax ring on a toilet, I COULD change my tire, I COULD replace spark plugs, I COULD fix a leaky roof/window. I COULD do all the things Kevin does, cuz I am NOT A FUCKING HALF-WIT!!!!

So please women, stop being whiny little bitches, who are too stupid and spoiled to do ANYTHING on their own. Grow up, read a damn book and learn to take care of yourselves.  Stop being annoying little moronic princesses and learn to do something by yourself.  God forbid you get a flat tire nowhere near a gas station and you have no cell service..... And please, for the love of everything holy, don't make me any more embarrassed to have a vagina then I already am right now....

Now, where's a wrench, I feel the need to fix something....

And, I am now...'That girl'...

SO I took the kids to the library yesterday...YAAAAAAA go me...I am now a good mom!!!! Anyway, I picked up the usual Nora Roberts novel and happened upon Tori Spellings book, Tori Telling...now before you make fun of me, allow me to elaborate...I am NOT a tabloid whore, I could give a fuck less who married who, who dated who, who has the best beach body etc...the only time I read the tabloids is when I am in line at the store trying to ignore Piz asking me for shit and the smelly guy in front of me trying to joke about the plethora of beef jerky he bought...BUT I fell upon this book, took it home and honestly couldn't put it down...that chica is funny!!! I am now, going to buy said book, yup it was that good. Anyhoo, I am now not embarrassed to say, I messaged her on FB...WHAT??? SAY SOMETHING!! You can judge all you want but I did, and I am ok with it!!!

I am not a 'star struck' type of  person. Does anyone remember when Corey Feldmans 'band' came to Poky??? Haha, I put 'band' in quotations because they SUCKED....OH and Daisy from 'Rock of Love' was in it, so ya, they sucked...Anyhoo, they went to the 5 Corners for an after party...Ya first sign you aren't famous anymore...YOU PLAY IN POCATELLO IDAHO...second? YOU PARTY AT THE SHITHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD BAR..Anyway, I was the one that took him back to the 'rented tour bus' yup, rented...and I remember looking in my rearview mirror and thinking 'Holy fuck, that is Mouth from Goonies, in the back of my minivan'...and I am SURE he was thinking 'Holy fuck, I am MOUTH FROM GOONIES IN A MINIVAN' but whatever, I can write that off on my bucket list...and he should be blessed to have met me...cuz I am awesome!!!

So I emailed her to tell her I liked her book and to give her the address to my blog...cuz my blog is hilarious, just like me *pat on back*....maybe she is friends with Corey...if she is, feel free to tell him, I thought he was a douche-canoe...I mean who drinks hot tea with water and a lemon at a bar??? Also, Daisy is trashy...even too trashy for Bret Michaels and THAT is pretty trashy...

Her book made me laugh and made her seem real. I know she had a 'privileged' life but obviously she dealt with the same insecurities most of us do..(I already know that Marc and Dan will be making fun of me for this blog....bring it boys) It was refreshing to read and I honestly couldn't put it down..and maybe she (her assistants) will surprise me and respond. I doubt it but regardless I wrote it and now I am done...That is all I have to say...thanks and good day....and yes, seriously, Corey was a douche....OH and only ONE band member tipped....and paid for their drinks...nice touch assholes....I figured since we all had to listen to your shit music you could've tipped us...But, they did probably spend all their money for that bus...and Daisy's extensions...

My ode to Maverick......

Oh Maverick, how do I love thee? First off let me explain how she got her name, it is pretty simple...she is a Honda Pilot and my TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING SISTER Jodi dubbed her Maverick, only cuz Goose was a douche (Pilot, Top Gun, get it, get it?)....Anyway....anyone that knows me, knows I love my car.....like L O V E my car....she is beautiful and harm has befallen her. *choke sob sigh*. It is with great despair and sadness that I write this post and I know a few of you will get choked up (Diggity, get some kleenex I know she means alot to you)  *Exhale* Here goes:

Last night while I was rocking faces and being super kick ass, some douche-grenade (Thanks Kristen) decided he was gonna be TOTALLY SUPER AWESOME AND KICK ASS and throw a boulder.....NOT a rock but a BOULDER thru her perfectly tinted back window...Oh Maverick, the pain you must have felt during this violation, I can only say I am sorry I wasn't there to protect you and that it won't happen again...Anyhoo, normally when I am about to leave I use my remote start so she is all nice and toasty for me to crawl in and enjoy a superbly smooth ride home, so last night was no different...two clicks and she's ready to go. As I am walking out I notice she isn't turned on, obviously that was a fluke or a force of nature since I can turn any bitch on...regardless I click again and she smoothly starts up.  I say bye to my kick ass fellow employees and start walking towards her and admiring how her silver shines in the moonlight.....*sigh, oh, sorry ahem* I walk up, unlock and climb in...ahhh the seats of soft leather perfectly form to my bum and I sink down and slip in the key.....(jeez, I could totally write for Hustler don't ya think?) I go to plug in my phone to enjoy some Pandora thru the speakers (Thanks Marc) and I notice something is off....her rearview mirror is askew and then I feel a breeze...I slowly look back and OMG OMG OMG OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHHHHYYYYY GOD WHY?????? NOT MAVERICK!!! NO NO NO NO!!! SHE IS TOO YOUNG!!!

There was glass everywhere!!! I quickly jump out and yell for Marc and Dan, they come running to my her rescue. We all just stood there in shock. Marc tells me to call the cops so I do, then Kevin. Cops show up and take pictures, report, fingerprints, etc....Kevin shows up and we bring her to rest at his work....

Dan thinks someone tried to steal her due to her being turned on, broke the window, climbed in knocked the mirror and of course once they pushed the brake, she shut off and they climbed out. Today I noticed scratches all down the sides of her also...

So my thoughts on this ignorant, uneducated douche-canoe are this;
SERIOUSLY??? Are you that fuckin stupid that you think someone would leave a 20+ thousand dollar car just RUNNING AT A BAR?????? And SERIOUSLY did it not occur to you that even if you stole it you would now FREEZE YOUR SMALL NUTS OFF CUZ YOU BROKE A FUCKIN WINDOW???? Look dick brains, unless YOU own a glass shop pretty sure you would've been caught, since you would be driving a silver Honda Pilot with a broken fuckin window....and SERIOUSLY what would you have accomplished?????
 "Hey guys, I stole a really pimp car!"
 "Cool let's drive it"
 "Well, actually I can't"
"Why?"
CUZ THE WINDOW IS FUCKING BROKEN AND THE COPS WILL CATCH ME!!!!
And SERIOUSLY you are obviously fucking retarded and this is your first 'grand theft' since you threw a FUCKING BOULDER thru the window....never occurred to you to maybe watch Fast and the Furious maybe a few more times???? Cuz I have never stolen a car but even I know to try a coat hanger or some other non destructive way to steal a car before I just THROW A FUCKING BOULDER THRU THE WINDOW!!! Ok, I get that you think you are a professional due to the hours of Grand Theft Auto you play in your mother's basement while shoving Totino's Pizza rolls in your mouth at record speed.  SO I hate to break it too you, but that's pretend....it isn't real:( I know, I know, the graphics are AWESOME)  but while you see it as "Practicing" I see it as "wasting time" when you could be doing other things like; getting a job, finishing high school, getting your G.E.D, or banging a 'real girl', (No, jerking off to Lara Croft doesn't count). So here is the deal. You had 3 seconds of fun...or as your 'girlfriend' calls it, last night....and while you think you have completely ruined me, you forget I am older and have more insurance SO I will be fine, you however, will still be 'rockin faces' to Rock Band when your 50 AND be the butt of my jokes for months to come...And Maverick? Don't you worry about her, she will also be fine...cuz the smart bitches always prevail....but unfortunately for you, you aren't a smart bitch....you are just a bitch....

Stop showing your ass at my work!!!!

So we all know I work in a bar. We all also know I "DJ" in a bar. Now, why the quotations? Because I am not an actual "DJ" like I don't scratch records and all that fancy jazz. I am not embarrassed about this or try and deny it. But I do give huge props to people that do, I know a couple and they are A-mazing!!! But here is the deal, I fell into it. About 5 years ago when I was managing a local bar, our DJ walked out and it was busy, so I did what I always do and covered his ass. As a manager I feel it is your duty to learn and know how to perform all duties in the place you are in charge of...it is called competency, look it up:) Anyhoo, it was fun, I love music and I sort of have a knack for it. I mostly DJ hip hop and dance with alot of old school shit, cuz I am old. SO with that being said, after quitting the bar I managed, I kept going with the "DJ" thing because I needed to work and shockingly I have a pretty large following. So I moved to a different bar, the owner was a douche-nugget, walked out of there and landed this kick ass gig at the Oasis. I LOVE IT!!! The owners are amazing to me, and I make pretty awesome money. Put it this way, I make more working 2 days a week then I could working full-time....SO go me!!!!

At the original bar I managed we started this thing called 'Dolla dolla beer" night. Basically from 9-2 we did dollar drafts and I played hip hop. It brought a HUGE crowd. But, with that crowd came a lot of problems, fights, etc. Now call me stupid...(I wish you would) BUT I would ASSume that people who are my "friends" would understand that this is my J O B....this is how I feed my family and pay my bills. Ya, obviously I am stupid. Cuz here is the deal. It is embarrassing to me when my "friends" start fights....due to the fact that afterwards they are shocked when there are repercussions to their behavior. Look here is the deal, if I walked into a store and stole something, would I be SHOCKED if I was kicked out and/or arrested?? Probably not, it is called cause and effect.

I am tired of it. It is a complete lack of respect of me and my family. Not to mention it makes you look like a huge douche-canoe (thanks Carmen, I am using that now....BEST WORD EVER). If you don't show me respect, why the fuck should I show you any.  You chose to behave in that way, you chose to 'act a fool' in my place of business, therefore, you chose the results of your actions. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

So on that note, just because I work in a bar, does not mean you can do whatever the fuck you want and I will 'have your back'. I won't. It is my JOB. I do not have that power. And I am over it. Grow up or fuck off....that's my motto....and I personally think it's better then Drake's......*hip hop reference, look it up*