Food stamp day

So I don't give a shit where you live, what country, region, universe, ANYWHERE.  You know what Food stamp day means. It means; GET YOUR ASS TO THE NEAREST WALMART!!!!

You are missing out if you decide to stay home. You don't even have to buy anything walk around with a diet coke, flask, coffee, video camera, I don't give a shit!! Just GO!!

Let me elaborate.

 went today, YUP, HAPPY NEW YEAR TOO ME!!! And guess what? 2012 is gonna be FANfuckINTASTIC!!! You know how I know??? Cuz...(drum roll please) I saw a 2 year old with green hair, no not like some sort of 'accident' but ACTUAL DYED HAIR!!!! I KNOW RIGHT???? Woot frickin woot, God bless America, get me a beer!!!!! Oh his parents were awesome also,  two words....FACE TATS!! You know what face tats mean? It means (and I believe this is Latin) "What, self respect? I'm good!! High paying job? Nope! All set here in mom's basement!" OH AND YOU DYE YOUR BABIES HAIR GREEN!!

Now before people with face tats get pissed and whoop my ass, (which they have no problem doing) Let me elaborate on my feelings of the "face and/or neck tats"

*DISCLAIMER* First of all, if you do not have a friend with one or both of these things? GET ONE! They are the best kind of friends to have, you know why? Cuz they will kill people for you. Nuff said! I myself have a few friends with face/neck tats and they are pretty effin kick ass!!  I will also say tattoo artists are also allowed the face/neck tat...HELLER! Advertising! Face/neck tat on someone who ISN'T a tattoo artist, well let's just say, I hope you like the 'fry station'! Anyhoo, let's move back to FS day.

Part two of Food Stamp Day; KIDS EVERYWHERE!! Parents? NOWHERE!!

Here is the deal, I truly believe that allot of people believe it is socially acceptable to let your kids run around the store, screaming, running into shit and driving EVERYONE crazy while they get to calmly shop the frozen burrito section. Me on the other hand DOES NOT find your child cute, entertaining and or fun to watch! Let's put it this way, I will beat someone else's kid, I am not above it, nor am I embarrassed about it.

Let's play it out.

For arguments sake let's say I see your kid running around when I am trying to make the serious decision between Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Doritos (I know Cool Ranch, hands down) anyway, your adorable ugly, snot nosed, sock missing, dirty ass kid runs into me and knocks my Latte out of my hand, I WILL trip him/her laugh to myself as they fall teeth first to the ground (no worries they didn't have all their teeth yet).

Continuing on, let's also say your child tells you I tripped them, now me with my Old Navy onsom, latte in one hand $500 phone in the other smiling innocently at you saying it was an accident and apologizing profusely will make your child look like a liar. And as you walk away I will smile at your child as they are crying from the very public ass whooping they just received.

Part three of FS day; The lack of bra's!

Seriously ladies c'mon, I don't give a shit what your excuse is, put a damn bra on. Nobody wants to see your 35 year old fun bags swinging to the bad rendition of Ozzy playing on the muzak. It is disgusting, and I can't help but stare. I am not saying 35 year old woman cannot have a great rack, I am 35 and my rack is amazing, really it is. BUT I wear a bra. Seeing two swinging tits in the spice isle at walmart makes me want to puke. So pack them in ladies, put your bra on. PLEASE. Think of the children. Oh wait, you haven't seen yours since you got here 2 hours ago. Well, I just tripped one, in the toy isle as they were shoving unwrapped hot wheels in the pockets of their awkwardly big Starters jacket. Oh and your babies sock is on isle 7.

So there is my favorite parts of FS day. Next month on the 1st, grab a coffee and meet me at Walmart, I will be the one laughing hysterically sitting on the bench tripping random kids as their parents buy filet mignon with my taxes.

*DISCLAIMER* I am not saying ALL people on FS are trash, I myself was on them years ago, but ALL of us know the people I am discussing....Gotta go! Headed to Albertsons! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!