Stop showing your ass at my work!!!!

So we all know I work in a bar. We all also know I "DJ" in a bar. Now, why the quotations? Because I am not an actual "DJ" like I don't scratch records and all that fancy jazz. I am not embarrassed about this or try and deny it. But I do give huge props to people that do, I know a couple and they are A-mazing!!! But here is the deal, I fell into it. About 5 years ago when I was managing a local bar, our DJ walked out and it was busy, so I did what I always do and covered his ass. As a manager I feel it is your duty to learn and know how to perform all duties in the place you are in charge of...it is called competency, look it up:) Anyhoo, it was fun, I love music and I sort of have a knack for it. I mostly DJ hip hop and dance with alot of old school shit, cuz I am old. SO with that being said, after quitting the bar I managed, I kept going with the "DJ" thing because I needed to work and shockingly I have a pretty large following. So I moved to a different bar, the owner was a douche-nugget, walked out of there and landed this kick ass gig at the Oasis. I LOVE IT!!! The owners are amazing to me, and I make pretty awesome money. Put it this way, I make more working 2 days a week then I could working full-time....SO go me!!!!

At the original bar I managed we started this thing called 'Dolla dolla beer" night. Basically from 9-2 we did dollar drafts and I played hip hop. It brought a HUGE crowd. But, with that crowd came a lot of problems, fights, etc. Now call me stupid...(I wish you would) BUT I would ASSume that people who are my "friends" would understand that this is my J O B....this is how I feed my family and pay my bills. Ya, obviously I am stupid. Cuz here is the deal. It is embarrassing to me when my "friends" start fights....due to the fact that afterwards they are shocked when there are repercussions to their behavior. Look here is the deal, if I walked into a store and stole something, would I be SHOCKED if I was kicked out and/or arrested?? Probably not, it is called cause and effect.

I am tired of it. It is a complete lack of respect of me and my family. Not to mention it makes you look like a huge douche-canoe (thanks Carmen, I am using that now....BEST WORD EVER). If you don't show me respect, why the fuck should I show you any.  You chose to behave in that way, you chose to 'act a fool' in my place of business, therefore, you chose the results of your actions. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

So on that note, just because I work in a bar, does not mean you can do whatever the fuck you want and I will 'have your back'. I won't. It is my JOB. I do not have that power. And I am over it. Grow up or fuck off....that's my motto....and I personally think it's better then Drake's......*hip hop reference, look it up*

First rule of fight club...

So what I look thru my kids phones??...I have a right...I pay the bill, and they are teenagers...Christians phone is boring, usually just random letters sent back and forth, apparently that is a thing now, whatever....Adams on the other hand is A W E S O M E...that kid *yikes* So last night much to his dismay he left it in the kitchen while he went to shower. I can only imagine his horror when he realized. But his horror is my VICTORY!!! Cuz here is the deal, you have to do some serious Matlock/Angela Lansbury tactics to get into that kids phone, seriously! But unfortunately for him, I am a sneaky little bitch. SO, I search thru his phone, to find the usual 14 year old bullshit, 'you suck' 'you're gay' 'school is dumb' 'my mom is gay' etc....to stumble upon....DUN DUN DUN!!!! ADAM IS IN A FUCKIN FIGHT CLUB!!!! WHAT??????

Now, I know that some of you, ok, ok, Jodi and Heath are ready to gas up the car and come lose their shit on him. But before you do, (seriously get out of the car you two) Here is how I handled this....first off I told Kevin...YAHTZEE!! Haha...and of course he didn't believe me, so I showed him....and that asshole LAUGHED AT ME!!! He thought it was HILARIOUS!!!! WTF????? How is that funny????? In my mind as his mother, I spent 9+ months making his face and I don't want some stupid douche-monkey smashing it in!!!! So, Adam gets out of the shower and comes running to the kitchen, imagine his dismay when he sees his phone in my hand....(ok, that is funny) stops dead in his tracks and says "what?".. Now, if you are a parent you know that is a red flag. Cuz that means they KNOW they did something stupid. You can compare it too when your kids are toddlers and you notice they are quiet, chances are, something is on fire. Well, needless to say, I fly into a rampage of how dumb it is, how dangerous it is, I even pulled the "I didn't carry you for 9 months, blah, blah, blah" Only to have Adam repeatedly saying "What??" and Kevin to be slightly grinning from across the island. NOT FUNNY!!!!

Apparently him and his buddy Logan are meeting up early before school to beat the crap out of each other, and this whole time while I thought he was working on his physique downstairs, he has been 'gearing up for a fight'....UGH!! So finally I give up and shoot Kevin the 'if you ever want to see me naked again, you better say something look' so he promptly pipes up. He informs Adam that while this is normal teenage boy behavior, it is dangerous and since they are doing it on school property against the law....WAIT A MINUTE???? NORMAL TEENAGE BOY BEHAVIOR???? WTF??? How did I not know this??? *sigh*

So I did some digging and asked around and apparently it is. I don't get it, but Kevin assured me not to freak out and he would take care of it. Well, he fucking better. Cuz this to me is C R A Z Y!!!!

Most days I am glad I don't have teenage girls, this was not one of those days....this freaks me out and I think it is stupid and nuts...and to top it off, he has started sagging his pants this week. God help me with this one. I fear he is my 'one just like me'....my mother cursed me I guess and I suppose, I deserved it.  But honestly, the truth is he is getting good grades and not getting in trouble, he is home every day after school and when nobody is looking he lets me get a sneak peek of his sweet soul. He spent 30 mins tonight teaching Jonathan how to make homemade popcorn then watched 3 episodes of Mythbusters with him and explained everything. So all in all, Adam is a great kid. Things could be worse. But seriously....A FIGHT CLUB??? I just can't wrap my head around it.....

I love my DJ page!!!!

I get the best shit ever on my DJ page!!! I have over 800-900 friends on my DJ page and it always brings me great enjoyment to read some of the shit people post, some of the convo's I have and some of the pics I get to enjoy. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I enjoy laughing at other people.....(ok, ok, I do).
It just blows my mind some of the shit people put on the internet!! Ya, ya I know, I DID write 'Blowholes and Jager'...BUT in my defense, very few people have my blog address, and when I become world famous (which will totally happen, so stop laughing) I will delete that one but until then, it stays. Anyway, we have the biggest collection of classy mother fuckers here in good ole Idaho which results in SUPER AWESOME TOTALLY KICK ASS facebook updates and such!!!! Usually I take a picture of them and share with my close circle of friends and we laugh and laugh...but for now I will just tell you a few, you are welcome!!

1. Fuck school nigga ima be a dope deala (I changed nothing, that is exactly how it appears..I know this because it is a picture in my phone)  REALLY??? FUCK SCHOOL??? I can think of at least 15 things wrong with that sentence, I am POSITIVE you need school...second, dope 'deala'? REALLY??? So, just so we understand eachother, you just put on the internet that you are going to drop out of school to deal dope...yes? Ok, just making sure. (btw, that is not a song reference because if you continue to read the comments 'they' say that school is a waste of time and they could make more money 'slinging' dope) No lie.

2. Niggas needs to be memerin who de fukin wit...REALLY??? What, are you going to bring them down with your quick wit and extreme intelligence?? Is this a result of a jailhouse school? I hope so, because if this is a Pocatello school district result, I am pulling my kids out tomorrow.

3. I can't believe a bitch can't get a 20 sack! It is my birthday for fuck's sake!!....Ok, I will give it to this one, grammatically we are solid. Ethically? Fucked...! Did you seriously just put ONLINE that you want pot??? Maybe you should look into person #1, you guys possibly have a future together.

4. I am over it. Goodbye friends, can't fight the sadness anymore...DO IT ALREADY!!! Seriously this bitch talks about suicide at least twice a week, deletes her page at least once a week but NEVER FOLLOWS THRU...It got to the point where someone commented "go ahead, I am tired of hearing you whine'...You may think this makes me insensitive but honestly it is constant...

5.  Translate this (mind you this is copied and pasted): U no u luv ur wife &kids but this fantasy feels MOR real cus u can touch it....SNAP OUT OF ITTT. Its not real but wat it will do 2ur 2moro will b even realER. That was common sense so nex I. Gav exampl on HIS level....ANYTHING??? Cuz I was lost..and I deal with it on a continual basis.

Those are a few of my favs. Enjoy, laugh, share, whatever...I love my DJ page...it makes me feel smarter on a daily basis!!!!

For your reading pleasure I will post next a conversation I just had with someone;

Him: Hey you should let me DJ tonight...
Me; HAHAHAHA um, no.
Him: Why I am good at it.
Me: Because it's my job, it would be like me showing up to McDonald's when you're working and asking to work the fry station because I am really good at it...
Him: *silence*

YOU ARE WELCOME!!!

Once upon a time....on Facebook....

Remember as a kid you knew who your best friend was by who called your parents "Mom & Dad" Or who wore that horribly braided dirty ass bracelet around their wrist? Those were the days...your best friend was someone who you called about everything, got mad at the most but made up with the quickest...the facts were though that you ALWAYS knew when your bestie was mad at you....BECAUSE THEY TOLD YOU!! Now in a day and age with Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Google +, etc..you don't know someone is mad at you unless you are 'unfriended' moved from 'Top spot' to #9...(which apparently is a sick, sick burn) OR Bob tells Sheila, who tells Tom, who gets her hair done from Sally, who is sleeping with Chris, who told your brothers friend, who told you!

 Why don't people just have the balls to say 'Hey when you did this, I felt this!' are we that Pussified (yes that is a word, well, it is now cuz I used it) as a nation that we can't just stand up for ourselves??? Look douche-monkey (also a word) you pissed me off when you did *insert fucked up behavior here* and I am am mad about it..They in turn apologize and you move on. Apparently we were all so fucking coddled as babies that it is much more necessary to unfriend, block, move down the totem, OR (and my fav) have some totally vague status update written about you; "Don't you just LOVE when your 'supposed' friend doesn't pay you back for that 'thing' you bought them 7 years ago?? Jeez with friends like that, who needs enemies??' I KNOW YOU MEAN ME DUMMY!!!!! And look, I didn't realize that 7 years ago when you bought me a 2 liter of pop we were keeping count!!! How about I add up all the shit I did????

I have noticed the more I am on Facebook, (which is alot, judge me) people seem to have this odd sense of reality. Everyone knows relationships aren't perfect, everyone also knows kids can be bratty...SO instead of ONLY updating bullshit...be honest...here are some examples;

1. Gotta love when your kids piss on the toilet seat so your ass gets that golden shower you have been waiting for.
2. Husband worked all day and I didn't do shit. Now he is home, house is a mess, kids are fighting, I haven't showered and everyone's eating peanut butter and jelly for dinner..
3. Kids just walked in on 'private time' with me and husband....now they are all crying..
4. Husband got drunk and admitted that my sister is hot..
5. Kid got in trouble for spitting on the teacher in school today..
6. I haven't showered in 2 days and my underwear just took themselves off.
7. Yes I did spend all day working on my Farm on Facebook.
8. I have literally drank for 5 days in a row...Problem? 

Those are some ideas instead of the bullshit people post...Nobody believes that your husband rubs your feet every night after work, OR that your kids never fight, OR that you have a 6 course meal laid out every night...NOBODY believes it...

So there are a few of my thoughts on Facebook, friendships, etc, I recently got deleted by a few people on my personal page...one of which was my uncle. I didn't even notice until they popped up on 'People you may know'...I found it hilarious...they thought they were I am sure 'proving a point'...I however am still laughing, and of course re-added them with that awkward message 'it says we aren't friends anymore...weird, something must have happened...' LMAO!!!!!!!

No your 'Gay Card' does not allow access to my milkshake...

Ok, Ok, if ANY of you know me you know I LOVE my gays....LOVE them..BUT...being gay does not give you a free pass to grab my goodies. Tonight at work we had what the gay community refers to as a 'Twink'...How do I know that you ask??? Cuz as previously stated, I love my gays and am a huge hag like go to Gay Camp every year hag....but seriously...you chose this outfit?? Daisy dukes, tights, striped socks over tights, and a striped 'smedium tee'??? I can move past that, really I can...and if any of you are my customers on a Weds you know that I move past alot of outfits...I mean c'mon, I am a chubby girl but know how to dress...seriously though most women need to get better girlfriends or better gays, cuz you know you don't look good boo...we ALL know you don't look good...

Anyway, the outfit wasn't the issue, although it was quite enjoyable, and truthfully my gays would've puked....
look Gay men, here is the deal; I am a married woman, which means, everything that is attached to my ring finger is married...ie; my ass, tits, shoulders, legs, vertebrae, etc...and just because you are gay does NOT mean you can touch me all over.  If a lesbian grabbed Kevin's biz I would literally 'Jerry Springer' that bitch up! This guy was TOTALLY sexually assaulting EVERY girl that tried to dance. And it was bad, like 'awkward for him' bad...and the shitty thing is because he was gay, nobody would say anything. We all know DAMN WELL if that was a straight guy he would've been beaten up and escorted out of the bar.. It was seriously just uncomfortable for everyone, except Frankie Fantabulous who was just fine grinding all over the supposed thing that he was not into and I myself had to step in a few times when I noticed people feeling uncomfortable.

Here is the truth, being very involved in the Gay community for years, I know that most Gay people would NEVER conduct themselves in this manner...I just hope that people don't judge an entire community of amazing people on this drunken behavior, I hope to God people don't judge me on my drunk behavior, seriously you have read 'Blowholes and Jager' I would be fucked....

You have read a few of my blogs and all of you reading know me personally, so you know this to be true, I am totally one to say 'Let your freak flag fly' BUT please don't drip it on my shoes...they are expensive...my husband bought them and they are attached to my ring finger which in turn makes them married shoes...

Now you're on MY list...

I would like to offer a big

to Oriental Trading Company....
Allow me to elaborate...I am a DJ and part of my job is to plan and execute TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTIES!!! (Which obviously by the use of all caps, I do). So I at times have to order party favors, what not..As most of you know, unless you live under a fuckin rock, St Patty's day is coming up. SO I have to order,  beads, decor, etc.  Since I am a cheap bitch...*unless it is Moscato* I drove ALL the way to work which we all know how much I like to leave the damn house, got the cash, THEN deposited into the bank, returned home to purchase said St Patty's day TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY supplies. I come home, get firmly settled online and proceed to pick out all my goodies...Total comes to $103. I drew $140 from work so that I could then go to another website and order lighted cocktail trays for my TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY...(the caps are making you want to be there huh?) Anyhoo...Oriental Trading Company's website declines my card saying billing adress doesn't match...whatever I know it does. Anyway I proceed to call the company and the Indian woman on the phone..HARDLY SPEAKS ENGLISH!!! But, I exhale and work past it. She tells me my order didn't go thru and my card wasn't charged...BULLSHIT!!!! My spidey sense was tingling like a MoFo!!! I KNEW it was but I believed 'what's her face' and proceeded to order yet again $103 of stuff for my TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY. Hang up, pat myself on the back for being BEST DJ EVER and go about my FB'in...Huh, email prompt, ok, I will check....WHAT THE FUCK!! My Chase account is overdrawn!!!! THAT LYING BITCH!!!! I WILL HUNT HER DOWN AND SLAP THE DAMN CURRY OUT HER MOUF!!! SO I call Chase and find out the issue, (I am nice to them, they hold my wine money) then proceed to call OTC back, REALLY I then get the Spanish chic...FML!!! I ask to speak to a supervisor, which after 30 'What's' from me, I hang up and call back...finally get connected to the Supervisor who comforts me with the 'guarantee'...

Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. 

SO being the super awesome smart bitch I am, I three way her with the bank...(yup I had a 3-way today)...got them connected, gave my info, and then said "fight it out, get my money and my shit, I will hold" GO NATE AT CHASE!!! Guess who has expedited shipping and her account fixed...
SO there you go Ladies and Gents, F U ORIENTAL, F U....you sucked up 1 hour of my time and I could've been doing other things...like playing hidden object games....or Facebooking....You are now on my list....right next to Wal-Mart.....F U!!!
Btw, on St Patty's day the Oasis is having a TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY...

My AWSOME assignment...*yes I know, spelled wrong*

Soo apparently I am awesome in TWO countries!!!! WOOT!!! Canada and the lovely USA!!! So my friend Carmen has tagged me in what seems to be a blog reach-around...who doesn't love a reach around???? I have to list 7 things about myself that people don't know..here goes...*DISCLAIMER* once I do this the awesomeness will CONSUME you!!!!

1. Whenever I am sick I watch the Anne of Green Gables movies...all of them...and I LOVE them...and NO I am not embarrassed.
2. I love the beach more then anything (the oregon coast)...more then sushi, more then sex, more then the seafood alfredo at Pudgys....and as soon as the gays can marry, I am going to marry the beach..(cuz apparently once we allow gay marriage it opens up the doors to marry anything)
3. When I was 4 my brother and I put our cat in a Lego bucket during my mother having the Relief Society ladies over for lunch...they were horrified...I found it hilarious..
4. I could literally sit and play hidden object games on the computer ALL DAY..I am crack cocaine addicted, and it has happened...many times...
5. I LOVE  The Boomerang channel on cable, we actually pay an extra $20 a month for cable so Jonathan I can watch Flintstones, and Jetsons....
6. I despise mushrooms yet insist on trying them every time someone is eating them 'Just in case'....
7. I am actually extremely unsocial... I know, I know, I am a DJ but I actually prefer to be by myself or with Kevin and the boys...leaving the house is an annoyance to me...

So there are my 7 things...I know you are just blown away by how truly kick ass I am....I wish I had 15 blogger friends but I don't...remember I am unsocial...

HEAD COUNT!!

Adam is still alive...just thought I would let you all know. It was touch and go there for a while, but then Kevin and I remembered he has a social and so he is in the system.....damn government..

I can't believe I survived...

I know, I know...I haven't written in forever BUT in my defense, I THOUGHT about writing a whole bunch of times...and it was funny shit, like really, really funny shit...anyhoo...Let me start off by giving myself a huge pat on the back for my children still being alive...and mostly ok...by ok I mean no noticeable bruising.  I have 3; 14, 12 and 7...the 14 causes me to drink...heavily. It is 5:09 and I am on my second glass of Moscato, which at this point I should just start investing in Barefoot since I will be drinking it by the gallon until the kids move out.  I refuse to admit I have a problem since it's wine AND I drink it out of an actual wine glass, once I switch to the plastic cups like they do on Intervention THEN I might take a step back. Until then I am fine and keeping it classy. All my 14 yr old does is bitch and moan about how rough he has it..poor kid, 3200 square ft home, PS3, Gamecube, 2 laptops, one desktop with a 22' monitor. 5 tvs...ya he is really Laura fuckin Ingalls over here. Our most recent fight is the 9.99$ charge on my cell phone bill due to some goddamn text bs he signed up for..I am trying to budget and cut corners here (Don't you dare bring up the money I spend on wine...seriously your safety depends on it) He proceeds to tell me we should move into a trailer so we can afford more things instead of the $900 mortgage we pay...I am about to drop him off at the nearest park. Go ahead dude. Knock yourself out, hope you like mac and cheese and the smell of bad whiskey and Pal Mal cigs...He is also pissed because I won't let him have internet on his phone..REALLY DUDE??? You are 14!!! I HIGHLY doubt you will be doing 'research' on the worldwide web. Unless 'research' is Youporn..I am not stupid. Oh wait, he has something really important to say...BRB...
WOW REALLY??? Apparently his friends all think I 'suck' and am 'gay'...well shit...guess I will just off myself right now. The peanut gallery full of jackasses at the local high school think I suck..Shit. Now what..LIKE I GIVE A SHIT!!!
I cannot believe my mother didn't kill me. Seriously. I was a HORRIBLE teenager. I remember. Thank you mother for giving me a chance at life. *insert 3rd glass*
Kevin just got home, this will get good soon:) Well here goes nothing,. Maybe later I will write more. As for now I am going to enjoy the 'circus of despair' that is about to happen in the kitchen...