Sorry I'm Negative Nancy, but she's hilarious!!!!!

So recently I was told I was a negative person, which honestly cracked me the hell up. NEGATIVE?!?!?! Do you have any clue the shit I would post if I WAS???!! It would scare you, not kidding. Maybe I just call it as I see it? Not negative at all in my book. Here is the truth, people are generally stupid (there she goes being negative again). But seriously they ARE!! People are generally their own worst enemies, cause problems onto themselves and quickly look around for someone to blame. I am guilty of it too.  Here is the truth; I am chubby because I don't do anything about it. WHAT?!?!?! NO WAY!?!?!?! YUP!!! TRUTH!!! If you have a shitty job? Get a better one or go to school to further your education, if your relationship sucks, move on, if you your house is 'not what you want' work harder, if your bills aren't paid, be more disciplined. It is honestly that easy. Nobody is to blame for your crappy life, nobody but you. I am sure that people have screwed you over, hurt you, etc, but how you react to that is your own choice. Everyone has had a difficult point in their lives but its up to you to change and/or learn from it. You can be the victim or the hero in your story, its yours. Stop blaming others for your misfortune.
I used to be a totally different person then I am now. I was a rug to whoever needed to wipe their feet. I made a choice about a year ago that making other people happy was no longer important. There are 4 people in my life that it is my job to make happy and they currently live with me. I have had more people live with me then the Super 8 up the street, I have had more false friends then the Hiltons and I have helped almost as many people as the Salvation Army, but at the end of the day it has left me lonely, neglecting my family and exhausted with nothing to show for it. The only person that could change that was me. And I did. There are many times I have written something that I KNEW would piss people off but honestly who cares? Why are my feelings less valid then yours? Why should I curb what I have to say because it may sting a little. Now, I am not saying go around saying whatever the hell you want regardless of peoples feelings, but don't be afraid to speak up. I am the only one that can change what I don't like about my life, nobody else. The person I am now is someone I am proud to be. It doesn't embarrass me at all that I prefer to be home, I don't like to have people over or party, that my husband is my best friend and I consider a good night to be sitting on the couch laughing with my family. I didn't used to be this person and I spent many years wasting it on bullshit people.  Not anymore. I am gaining the control back and have become the boss of my existence. If that bothers you? Too bad.
Look people, if you don't like the way things are, change them. If you can't? Make the best of it. I hate living here but I have too, for now, so I will make the best of it. I will write whatever I want, if you don't like it? Don't read it...but it's my feelings, thoughts and observations, not yours. So move on and find something else to piss you off, because my words, are MY words, but your choice to react to them. Call it negativity or truth....
My most favorite poem.....

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley 

 

 

Just Beautiful......

STOP BREAKIN THE LAW ASSHOLE!!!

So recently in this 'classy' little town I call home 'for now', a young man was killed by police officers by use of a taser.....OH one more thing.....HE WAS COMMITTING A CRIME AND DOVE THRU A WINDOW. Now, as earlier stated I am a DJ (relevance? I will show you). My DJ Facebook page usually brings me HOURS of enjoyment, it just blows my mind the stuff people post for the world to see. Anyway, yesterday I am updating for work last night and I see all these people posting 'RIP so-n-so', and 'He was too young', 'Damn pigs killed a good homey', I could go on but as I am typing this crap my brain is shrinking....regardless....REALLY??? What the hell is wrong with people???? DAMN PIGS KILLED A GOOD HOMEY??? *Ahem* I am sorry, correct me if I am wrong, wasn't said 'good homey' cracked out, performing a home invasion and dove thru a window to get away from said 'Pigs'?????? Ok, just wanted to make sure we were clear. Also, I am going out on a limb here to ASSume that if he wasn't on 'crack' he wouldn't have died from the taser? Ok, just verifying. Now, here is the deal. I have the utmost respect for police officers and the sacrifices they make. These people go out every single day, say goodbye to their families and in the back of their heads have to wonder if they will make it home. Now mind you, I will say that there are SOME (very few) SOME policeman who maybe don't always have the highest integrity BUT they are human. Can you honestly look at yourself and say you practice integrity in everything you do?? I doubt it.
So, as I am sitting at my computer reading this BS, I am getting madder and madder. He was breaking the law?!?!?! While I understand that death is a devastating thing (in most cases, but don't lie, in some cases, you would break out the champagne) but how is this the cops fault???? Hey here's a thought!! I have never broken the law, SO therefore, I have never been tased...??? Get it??? Look people of less intelligence, the cops are here to 'Protect and Serve'. What this young man was doing was being a danger to himself and others, the cops are there to handle it, any way they decide. Ask yourself this, if you were at home and someone broke into your house cracked out, wouldn't you call the 'Pigs'?????? Probably!!!! And if this was YOUR house and the 'Pigs' behaved the SAME way, you would probably be on FaceBook talking about how 'Awesome' it was. So why in this instance is it 'sad' and 'BS'????
I don't understand some people. I just can't wrap my head around it. I am over the ignorance of other people. Here is a new motto: 'Don't break the law? Don't get tased'...Run with that, write it down, I don't care. But don't blame the people that make the SACRIFICE to make our town safer for MY family and yours. In almost EVERY SINGLE case of people talking badly about the police, they are law-breakers. I am sick and tired of hearing people refer to the people that protect me and my family being discussed in such a derogatory manner.
I could honestly sit and give 100 examples but honestly anyone who feels that the cops are 'pigs', are of a lesser intelligence then me, so I would have to use small words, definitions and instances in every example, and I just don't have time for it. I am proud and happy to know there are people out there protecting me and my family. There are people out there risking their lives to make it safe for my children to play outside, and walk to school. But then again I am not a complete and utter degenerate. This kid broke the law, and was caught and punished. The only unfortunate thing is the loss his family will feel due to the CHOICES he made, and for that I do feel sorry. No parent should have to bury their child.

Yes, it is an actual job....

SO, I have to do this because I am so FRIGGIN irritated right now!!!!!
Yes, I am a DJ, yes it is a 'fun' job at times...But it is still a JOB...a J-O-B!!! So with that being said, why the hell do people deem it appropriate to say 'Hey you should let me DJ sometime' or 'Can I DJ for a bit, I am really good at it"????
WTF??? Look, when I go and get my latte in the morning, I don't say 'Hey let me do that, I just made coffee yesterday so obviously I know what I am doing"
LOOK ASSHOLE,  stop asking if you can come DJ like it's a fuckin hobby!!!! IT IS MY JOB!!!!! So NO you cannot do it one night!!!
Is it really that you are good at it? Or is it that it just pisses you off that a white housewife is doing it??? It must just chap your hide that a white housewife is one of the most well known DJ's in town...It must just piss you off that while you are flippin burgers or 'workin on your rap album' that I make more money then almost any other DJ in town?? Is this a racial thing???? Or is it just the irony of it all. Is it that you are all showing up every weds spending all that hard earned money *snort, cough, giggle* that I blow on sushi and latte's? What is it really??
Yes I know this blog is just OOZING with snootiness, but really...I am OVER it....
I know a FEW other DJ's in town that are different then I, and what they do takes a ton of hard work and years of learning but even though I am a fellow DJ I would NEVER assume to even grasp the type of Djin they do OR would I ever ask to do it, cuz I can't and it is their JOB....JOB...get that??? Respect what I do to support my family, I respect whatever it is you do...I have no interest in making my own double cheeseburger, so please stop asking if you can come work at my job. Get over yourself and your 'color' or 'love of Snoop'. I know what I am doing and unfortunately I am very good at it....good enough to work two days a week making more then most people do in a pay period....(thats two weeks btw). SO while you are sitting around with your 'homeys' running your mouth about how much 'better' you can do then me? FUCK OFF, cuz obviously you can't.  And remember, you and your 'homeys' are the same ones hitting on me every week and putting money in my tip jar and in the register...So with that being said..."THANK YOU" I am going to lunch with my husband today, currently enjoying a $5 coffee, and had incredible sex last night....(another thing I have that you don't, an active sex life)  Dammit, hold on, my Iphone is going off...anyhoo....gotta run..I need to download more music for you to spend your money while listening to tomorrow night. Plus I have a busy day, remodeling my 3200 square foot home....
Please enjoy your day today, I know you have a ton to do....meet with your PO, rummage for change in your couch for a tall boy, and fight with your baby momma on why she hasn't seen a lick of child support in months...but hey, don't sweat it, your rap album should break soon!!! I can just feel it!!!

It is called self-reliance, you half-wit....

So Tuesday nights are usually my nights. Kevin goes to bed and I play catch up with all my shows, that me, THE BEST WIFE EVER don't always subject him too. So tonight, I tuck Kevin in and plant my ass firmly on the couch, to soak up a few hours of Grey's, Private Practice and Real Housewives.  (insert laugh here). Now I know that most of you are wondering why I don't do that with my countless hours of free time during the day but truth be told, I actually do a lot during the day.....ok, ok, MOST days......*sigh*....FINE...some days...whatever. Regardless, I usually watch these on tuesday night so that I will be sure to sleep in weds since I have to work....YES I KNOW I SLEEP IN EVERYDAY......FUCK OFF!!!

Anyway, tonight I watch Private Practice, bawl my brains out, run to CC for some hot chocolate, come back and start RHOC. Now, I KNOW this is a stupid show, BUT it is HI-larious to watch...tonight however I became highly annoyed, and here is why....you are welcome.

Now mind you these bitches are Orange County wives. SO these bitches do NOTHING, literally NOTHING. Now, I know that I am a princess, Kevin does everything...I mean, honestly, I haven't pumped gas in years, taken out the trash in years, mowed the lawn in years, and I couldn't tell you when my last oil change was, because I haven't done that shit in years either. So yes, I am a princess...BUT, Kevin on the other hand hasn't cleaned the bathroom in years, changed the sheets in years, dusted, mopped a floor, etc. And oh shit, let ANY of the TV'S/DVD'S/Computers break, he wouldn't know what to do.  I can also GUARAN-FUCKIN-TEE you if you asked him when the sheets on the kids beds were last changed? He would look back at you with a blank stare. SO honestly we both have our jobs..

Anyhoo, the difference is I am self-reliant. IF I had too, I could pump gas, change my oil, change a tire, install spark plugs, and honestly I could live in the wilderness for a week, (my parents own a survival school btw) SO I know how to be self-reliant. THESE bitches on the other hand, couldn't even *GLAMP*. Not my word btw, theirs!!!!! *Glamp* or *Camp* to the rest of the planet, is to *Glamorous Camp*. They went to a cabin RESORT in Santa Barbara to *Glamp*, which meant, they slept in cabins, WITH electricity, had dinner, PRE-MARINATED delivered to them, WITH WINE, to there 'Campsite' and it was D R A M A!!!! It was literally like watching an episode of The Three Stooges. No lie. It was absolutely horrifying how helpless these 'woman' were.

Now I know since the Suffragettes, and the Feminist Movement women have fought tooth and nail to become equal to men. A lot of women lost their lives to fight for us to enjoy the freedoms that we have today. Do you think the woman that are looking down on the Housewives are embarrassed and ashamed? I mean, they have to be, at least a little. There has got to be a few up there thinking...'I did not fight for these bitches'...I myself am quite embarrassed.

 *Yes, that is a phone in her hand, to order pizza, while *glamping* cuz they couldn't figure out how to start the fire......even though they had pre-cut wood......AND a fire-starter......wow......*

Thank God that my parents raised me to be self-reliant. God forbid something to happen to Kevin, but if it did, I could take care of my family. It is a LUXURY that I have help. But if I didn't, I COULD do these stupid little things that need to be done. I COULD change the oil in my car, I COULD switch out a light fixture if needed, I COULD replace a wax ring on a toilet, I COULD change my tire, I COULD replace spark plugs, I COULD fix a leaky roof/window. I COULD do all the things Kevin does, cuz I am NOT A FUCKING HALF-WIT!!!!

So please women, stop being whiny little bitches, who are too stupid and spoiled to do ANYTHING on their own. Grow up, read a damn book and learn to take care of yourselves.  Stop being annoying little moronic princesses and learn to do something by yourself.  God forbid you get a flat tire nowhere near a gas station and you have no cell service..... And please, for the love of everything holy, don't make me any more embarrassed to have a vagina then I already am right now....

Now, where's a wrench, I feel the need to fix something....

And, I am now...'That girl'...

SO I took the kids to the library yesterday...YAAAAAAA go me...I am now a good mom!!!! Anyway, I picked up the usual Nora Roberts novel and happened upon Tori Spellings book, Tori Telling...now before you make fun of me, allow me to elaborate...I am NOT a tabloid whore, I could give a fuck less who married who, who dated who, who has the best beach body etc...the only time I read the tabloids is when I am in line at the store trying to ignore Piz asking me for shit and the smelly guy in front of me trying to joke about the plethora of beef jerky he bought...BUT I fell upon this book, took it home and honestly couldn't put it down...that chica is funny!!! I am now, going to buy said book, yup it was that good. Anyhoo, I am now not embarrassed to say, I messaged her on FB...WHAT??? SAY SOMETHING!! You can judge all you want but I did, and I am ok with it!!!

I am not a 'star struck' type of  person. Does anyone remember when Corey Feldmans 'band' came to Poky??? Haha, I put 'band' in quotations because they SUCKED....OH and Daisy from 'Rock of Love' was in it, so ya, they sucked...Anyhoo, they went to the 5 Corners for an after party...Ya first sign you aren't famous anymore...YOU PLAY IN POCATELLO IDAHO...second? YOU PARTY AT THE SHITHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD BAR..Anyway, I was the one that took him back to the 'rented tour bus' yup, rented...and I remember looking in my rearview mirror and thinking 'Holy fuck, that is Mouth from Goonies, in the back of my minivan'...and I am SURE he was thinking 'Holy fuck, I am MOUTH FROM GOONIES IN A MINIVAN' but whatever, I can write that off on my bucket list...and he should be blessed to have met me...cuz I am awesome!!!

So I emailed her to tell her I liked her book and to give her the address to my blog...cuz my blog is hilarious, just like me *pat on back*....maybe she is friends with Corey...if she is, feel free to tell him, I thought he was a douche-canoe...I mean who drinks hot tea with water and a lemon at a bar??? Also, Daisy is trashy...even too trashy for Bret Michaels and THAT is pretty trashy...

Her book made me laugh and made her seem real. I know she had a 'privileged' life but obviously she dealt with the same insecurities most of us do..(I already know that Marc and Dan will be making fun of me for this blog....bring it boys) It was refreshing to read and I honestly couldn't put it down..and maybe she (her assistants) will surprise me and respond. I doubt it but regardless I wrote it and now I am done...That is all I have to say...thanks and good day....and yes, seriously, Corey was a douche....OH and only ONE band member tipped....and paid for their drinks...nice touch assholes....I figured since we all had to listen to your shit music you could've tipped us...But, they did probably spend all their money for that bus...and Daisy's extensions...

My ode to Maverick......

Oh Maverick, how do I love thee? First off let me explain how she got her name, it is pretty simple...she is a Honda Pilot and my TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING SISTER Jodi dubbed her Maverick, only cuz Goose was a douche (Pilot, Top Gun, get it, get it?)....Anyway....anyone that knows me, knows I love my car.....like L O V E my car....she is beautiful and harm has befallen her. *choke sob sigh*. It is with great despair and sadness that I write this post and I know a few of you will get choked up (Diggity, get some kleenex I know she means alot to you)  *Exhale* Here goes:

Last night while I was rocking faces and being super kick ass, some douche-grenade (Thanks Kristen) decided he was gonna be TOTALLY SUPER AWESOME AND KICK ASS and throw a boulder.....NOT a rock but a BOULDER thru her perfectly tinted back window...Oh Maverick, the pain you must have felt during this violation, I can only say I am sorry I wasn't there to protect you and that it won't happen again...Anyhoo, normally when I am about to leave I use my remote start so she is all nice and toasty for me to crawl in and enjoy a superbly smooth ride home, so last night was no different...two clicks and she's ready to go. As I am walking out I notice she isn't turned on, obviously that was a fluke or a force of nature since I can turn any bitch on...regardless I click again and she smoothly starts up.  I say bye to my kick ass fellow employees and start walking towards her and admiring how her silver shines in the moonlight.....*sigh, oh, sorry ahem* I walk up, unlock and climb in...ahhh the seats of soft leather perfectly form to my bum and I sink down and slip in the key.....(jeez, I could totally write for Hustler don't ya think?) I go to plug in my phone to enjoy some Pandora thru the speakers (Thanks Marc) and I notice something is off....her rearview mirror is askew and then I feel a breeze...I slowly look back and OMG OMG OMG OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHHHHYYYYY GOD WHY?????? NOT MAVERICK!!! NO NO NO NO!!! SHE IS TOO YOUNG!!!

There was glass everywhere!!! I quickly jump out and yell for Marc and Dan, they come running to my her rescue. We all just stood there in shock. Marc tells me to call the cops so I do, then Kevin. Cops show up and take pictures, report, fingerprints, etc....Kevin shows up and we bring her to rest at his work....

Dan thinks someone tried to steal her due to her being turned on, broke the window, climbed in knocked the mirror and of course once they pushed the brake, she shut off and they climbed out. Today I noticed scratches all down the sides of her also...

So my thoughts on this ignorant, uneducated douche-canoe are this;
SERIOUSLY??? Are you that fuckin stupid that you think someone would leave a 20+ thousand dollar car just RUNNING AT A BAR?????? And SERIOUSLY did it not occur to you that even if you stole it you would now FREEZE YOUR SMALL NUTS OFF CUZ YOU BROKE A FUCKIN WINDOW???? Look dick brains, unless YOU own a glass shop pretty sure you would've been caught, since you would be driving a silver Honda Pilot with a broken fuckin window....and SERIOUSLY what would you have accomplished?????
 "Hey guys, I stole a really pimp car!"
 "Cool let's drive it"
 "Well, actually I can't"
"Why?"
CUZ THE WINDOW IS FUCKING BROKEN AND THE COPS WILL CATCH ME!!!!
And SERIOUSLY you are obviously fucking retarded and this is your first 'grand theft' since you threw a FUCKING BOULDER thru the window....never occurred to you to maybe watch Fast and the Furious maybe a few more times???? Cuz I have never stolen a car but even I know to try a coat hanger or some other non destructive way to steal a car before I just THROW A FUCKING BOULDER THRU THE WINDOW!!! Ok, I get that you think you are a professional due to the hours of Grand Theft Auto you play in your mother's basement while shoving Totino's Pizza rolls in your mouth at record speed.  SO I hate to break it too you, but that's pretend....it isn't real:( I know, I know, the graphics are AWESOME)  but while you see it as "Practicing" I see it as "wasting time" when you could be doing other things like; getting a job, finishing high school, getting your G.E.D, or banging a 'real girl', (No, jerking off to Lara Croft doesn't count). So here is the deal. You had 3 seconds of fun...or as your 'girlfriend' calls it, last night....and while you think you have completely ruined me, you forget I am older and have more insurance SO I will be fine, you however, will still be 'rockin faces' to Rock Band when your 50 AND be the butt of my jokes for months to come...And Maverick? Don't you worry about her, she will also be fine...cuz the smart bitches always prevail....but unfortunately for you, you aren't a smart bitch....you are just a bitch....

Stop showing your ass at my work!!!!

So we all know I work in a bar. We all also know I "DJ" in a bar. Now, why the quotations? Because I am not an actual "DJ" like I don't scratch records and all that fancy jazz. I am not embarrassed about this or try and deny it. But I do give huge props to people that do, I know a couple and they are A-mazing!!! But here is the deal, I fell into it. About 5 years ago when I was managing a local bar, our DJ walked out and it was busy, so I did what I always do and covered his ass. As a manager I feel it is your duty to learn and know how to perform all duties in the place you are in charge of...it is called competency, look it up:) Anyhoo, it was fun, I love music and I sort of have a knack for it. I mostly DJ hip hop and dance with alot of old school shit, cuz I am old. SO with that being said, after quitting the bar I managed, I kept going with the "DJ" thing because I needed to work and shockingly I have a pretty large following. So I moved to a different bar, the owner was a douche-nugget, walked out of there and landed this kick ass gig at the Oasis. I LOVE IT!!! The owners are amazing to me, and I make pretty awesome money. Put it this way, I make more working 2 days a week then I could working full-time....SO go me!!!!

At the original bar I managed we started this thing called 'Dolla dolla beer" night. Basically from 9-2 we did dollar drafts and I played hip hop. It brought a HUGE crowd. But, with that crowd came a lot of problems, fights, etc. Now call me stupid...(I wish you would) BUT I would ASSume that people who are my "friends" would understand that this is my J O B....this is how I feed my family and pay my bills. Ya, obviously I am stupid. Cuz here is the deal. It is embarrassing to me when my "friends" start fights....due to the fact that afterwards they are shocked when there are repercussions to their behavior. Look here is the deal, if I walked into a store and stole something, would I be SHOCKED if I was kicked out and/or arrested?? Probably not, it is called cause and effect.

I am tired of it. It is a complete lack of respect of me and my family. Not to mention it makes you look like a huge douche-canoe (thanks Carmen, I am using that now....BEST WORD EVER). If you don't show me respect, why the fuck should I show you any.  You chose to behave in that way, you chose to 'act a fool' in my place of business, therefore, you chose the results of your actions. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

So on that note, just because I work in a bar, does not mean you can do whatever the fuck you want and I will 'have your back'. I won't. It is my JOB. I do not have that power. And I am over it. Grow up or fuck off....that's my motto....and I personally think it's better then Drake's......*hip hop reference, look it up*

First rule of fight club...

So what I look thru my kids phones??...I have a right...I pay the bill, and they are teenagers...Christians phone is boring, usually just random letters sent back and forth, apparently that is a thing now, whatever....Adams on the other hand is A W E S O M E...that kid *yikes* So last night much to his dismay he left it in the kitchen while he went to shower. I can only imagine his horror when he realized. But his horror is my VICTORY!!! Cuz here is the deal, you have to do some serious Matlock/Angela Lansbury tactics to get into that kids phone, seriously! But unfortunately for him, I am a sneaky little bitch. SO, I search thru his phone, to find the usual 14 year old bullshit, 'you suck' 'you're gay' 'school is dumb' 'my mom is gay' etc....to stumble upon....DUN DUN DUN!!!! ADAM IS IN A FUCKIN FIGHT CLUB!!!! WHAT??????

Now, I know that some of you, ok, ok, Jodi and Heath are ready to gas up the car and come lose their shit on him. But before you do, (seriously get out of the car you two) Here is how I handled this....first off I told Kevin...YAHTZEE!! Haha...and of course he didn't believe me, so I showed him....and that asshole LAUGHED AT ME!!! He thought it was HILARIOUS!!!! WTF????? How is that funny????? In my mind as his mother, I spent 9+ months making his face and I don't want some stupid douche-monkey smashing it in!!!! So, Adam gets out of the shower and comes running to the kitchen, imagine his dismay when he sees his phone in my hand....(ok, that is funny) stops dead in his tracks and says "what?".. Now, if you are a parent you know that is a red flag. Cuz that means they KNOW they did something stupid. You can compare it too when your kids are toddlers and you notice they are quiet, chances are, something is on fire. Well, needless to say, I fly into a rampage of how dumb it is, how dangerous it is, I even pulled the "I didn't carry you for 9 months, blah, blah, blah" Only to have Adam repeatedly saying "What??" and Kevin to be slightly grinning from across the island. NOT FUNNY!!!!

Apparently him and his buddy Logan are meeting up early before school to beat the crap out of each other, and this whole time while I thought he was working on his physique downstairs, he has been 'gearing up for a fight'....UGH!! So finally I give up and shoot Kevin the 'if you ever want to see me naked again, you better say something look' so he promptly pipes up. He informs Adam that while this is normal teenage boy behavior, it is dangerous and since they are doing it on school property against the law....WAIT A MINUTE???? NORMAL TEENAGE BOY BEHAVIOR???? WTF??? How did I not know this??? *sigh*

So I did some digging and asked around and apparently it is. I don't get it, but Kevin assured me not to freak out and he would take care of it. Well, he fucking better. Cuz this to me is C R A Z Y!!!!

Most days I am glad I don't have teenage girls, this was not one of those days....this freaks me out and I think it is stupid and nuts...and to top it off, he has started sagging his pants this week. God help me with this one. I fear he is my 'one just like me'....my mother cursed me I guess and I suppose, I deserved it.  But honestly, the truth is he is getting good grades and not getting in trouble, he is home every day after school and when nobody is looking he lets me get a sneak peek of his sweet soul. He spent 30 mins tonight teaching Jonathan how to make homemade popcorn then watched 3 episodes of Mythbusters with him and explained everything. So all in all, Adam is a great kid. Things could be worse. But seriously....A FIGHT CLUB??? I just can't wrap my head around it.....

I love my DJ page!!!!

I get the best shit ever on my DJ page!!! I have over 800-900 friends on my DJ page and it always brings me great enjoyment to read some of the shit people post, some of the convo's I have and some of the pics I get to enjoy. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I enjoy laughing at other people.....(ok, ok, I do).
It just blows my mind some of the shit people put on the internet!! Ya, ya I know, I DID write 'Blowholes and Jager'...BUT in my defense, very few people have my blog address, and when I become world famous (which will totally happen, so stop laughing) I will delete that one but until then, it stays. Anyway, we have the biggest collection of classy mother fuckers here in good ole Idaho which results in SUPER AWESOME TOTALLY KICK ASS facebook updates and such!!!! Usually I take a picture of them and share with my close circle of friends and we laugh and laugh...but for now I will just tell you a few, you are welcome!!

1. Fuck school nigga ima be a dope deala (I changed nothing, that is exactly how it appears..I know this because it is a picture in my phone)  REALLY??? FUCK SCHOOL??? I can think of at least 15 things wrong with that sentence, I am POSITIVE you need school...second, dope 'deala'? REALLY??? So, just so we understand eachother, you just put on the internet that you are going to drop out of school to deal dope...yes? Ok, just making sure. (btw, that is not a song reference because if you continue to read the comments 'they' say that school is a waste of time and they could make more money 'slinging' dope) No lie.

2. Niggas needs to be memerin who de fukin wit...REALLY??? What, are you going to bring them down with your quick wit and extreme intelligence?? Is this a result of a jailhouse school? I hope so, because if this is a Pocatello school district result, I am pulling my kids out tomorrow.

3. I can't believe a bitch can't get a 20 sack! It is my birthday for fuck's sake!!....Ok, I will give it to this one, grammatically we are solid. Ethically? Fucked...! Did you seriously just put ONLINE that you want pot??? Maybe you should look into person #1, you guys possibly have a future together.

4. I am over it. Goodbye friends, can't fight the sadness anymore...DO IT ALREADY!!! Seriously this bitch talks about suicide at least twice a week, deletes her page at least once a week but NEVER FOLLOWS THRU...It got to the point where someone commented "go ahead, I am tired of hearing you whine'...You may think this makes me insensitive but honestly it is constant...

5.  Translate this (mind you this is copied and pasted): U no u luv ur wife &kids but this fantasy feels MOR real cus u can touch it....SNAP OUT OF ITTT. Its not real but wat it will do 2ur 2moro will b even realER. That was common sense so nex I. Gav exampl on HIS level....ANYTHING??? Cuz I was lost..and I deal with it on a continual basis.

Those are a few of my favs. Enjoy, laugh, share, whatever...I love my DJ page...it makes me feel smarter on a daily basis!!!!

For your reading pleasure I will post next a conversation I just had with someone;

Him: Hey you should let me DJ tonight...
Me; HAHAHAHA um, no.
Him: Why I am good at it.
Me: Because it's my job, it would be like me showing up to McDonald's when you're working and asking to work the fry station because I am really good at it...
Him: *silence*

YOU ARE WELCOME!!!

Once upon a time....on Facebook....

Remember as a kid you knew who your best friend was by who called your parents "Mom & Dad" Or who wore that horribly braided dirty ass bracelet around their wrist? Those were the days...your best friend was someone who you called about everything, got mad at the most but made up with the quickest...the facts were though that you ALWAYS knew when your bestie was mad at you....BECAUSE THEY TOLD YOU!! Now in a day and age with Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Google +, etc..you don't know someone is mad at you unless you are 'unfriended' moved from 'Top spot' to #9...(which apparently is a sick, sick burn) OR Bob tells Sheila, who tells Tom, who gets her hair done from Sally, who is sleeping with Chris, who told your brothers friend, who told you!

 Why don't people just have the balls to say 'Hey when you did this, I felt this!' are we that Pussified (yes that is a word, well, it is now cuz I used it) as a nation that we can't just stand up for ourselves??? Look douche-monkey (also a word) you pissed me off when you did *insert fucked up behavior here* and I am am mad about it..They in turn apologize and you move on. Apparently we were all so fucking coddled as babies that it is much more necessary to unfriend, block, move down the totem, OR (and my fav) have some totally vague status update written about you; "Don't you just LOVE when your 'supposed' friend doesn't pay you back for that 'thing' you bought them 7 years ago?? Jeez with friends like that, who needs enemies??' I KNOW YOU MEAN ME DUMMY!!!!! And look, I didn't realize that 7 years ago when you bought me a 2 liter of pop we were keeping count!!! How about I add up all the shit I did????

I have noticed the more I am on Facebook, (which is alot, judge me) people seem to have this odd sense of reality. Everyone knows relationships aren't perfect, everyone also knows kids can be bratty...SO instead of ONLY updating bullshit...be honest...here are some examples;

1. Gotta love when your kids piss on the toilet seat so your ass gets that golden shower you have been waiting for.
2. Husband worked all day and I didn't do shit. Now he is home, house is a mess, kids are fighting, I haven't showered and everyone's eating peanut butter and jelly for dinner..
3. Kids just walked in on 'private time' with me and husband....now they are all crying..
4. Husband got drunk and admitted that my sister is hot..
5. Kid got in trouble for spitting on the teacher in school today..
6. I haven't showered in 2 days and my underwear just took themselves off.
7. Yes I did spend all day working on my Farm on Facebook.
8. I have literally drank for 5 days in a row...Problem? 

Those are some ideas instead of the bullshit people post...Nobody believes that your husband rubs your feet every night after work, OR that your kids never fight, OR that you have a 6 course meal laid out every night...NOBODY believes it...

So there are a few of my thoughts on Facebook, friendships, etc, I recently got deleted by a few people on my personal page...one of which was my uncle. I didn't even notice until they popped up on 'People you may know'...I found it hilarious...they thought they were I am sure 'proving a point'...I however am still laughing, and of course re-added them with that awkward message 'it says we aren't friends anymore...weird, something must have happened...' LMAO!!!!!!!

No your 'Gay Card' does not allow access to my milkshake...

Ok, Ok, if ANY of you know me you know I LOVE my gays....LOVE them..BUT...being gay does not give you a free pass to grab my goodies. Tonight at work we had what the gay community refers to as a 'Twink'...How do I know that you ask??? Cuz as previously stated, I love my gays and am a huge hag like go to Gay Camp every year hag....but seriously...you chose this outfit?? Daisy dukes, tights, striped socks over tights, and a striped 'smedium tee'??? I can move past that, really I can...and if any of you are my customers on a Weds you know that I move past alot of outfits...I mean c'mon, I am a chubby girl but know how to dress...seriously though most women need to get better girlfriends or better gays, cuz you know you don't look good boo...we ALL know you don't look good...

Anyway, the outfit wasn't the issue, although it was quite enjoyable, and truthfully my gays would've puked....
look Gay men, here is the deal; I am a married woman, which means, everything that is attached to my ring finger is married...ie; my ass, tits, shoulders, legs, vertebrae, etc...and just because you are gay does NOT mean you can touch me all over.  If a lesbian grabbed Kevin's biz I would literally 'Jerry Springer' that bitch up! This guy was TOTALLY sexually assaulting EVERY girl that tried to dance. And it was bad, like 'awkward for him' bad...and the shitty thing is because he was gay, nobody would say anything. We all know DAMN WELL if that was a straight guy he would've been beaten up and escorted out of the bar.. It was seriously just uncomfortable for everyone, except Frankie Fantabulous who was just fine grinding all over the supposed thing that he was not into and I myself had to step in a few times when I noticed people feeling uncomfortable.

Here is the truth, being very involved in the Gay community for years, I know that most Gay people would NEVER conduct themselves in this manner...I just hope that people don't judge an entire community of amazing people on this drunken behavior, I hope to God people don't judge me on my drunk behavior, seriously you have read 'Blowholes and Jager' I would be fucked....

You have read a few of my blogs and all of you reading know me personally, so you know this to be true, I am totally one to say 'Let your freak flag fly' BUT please don't drip it on my shoes...they are expensive...my husband bought them and they are attached to my ring finger which in turn makes them married shoes...

Now you're on MY list...

I would like to offer a big

to Oriental Trading Company....
Allow me to elaborate...I am a DJ and part of my job is to plan and execute TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTIES!!! (Which obviously by the use of all caps, I do). So I at times have to order party favors, what not..As most of you know, unless you live under a fuckin rock, St Patty's day is coming up. SO I have to order,  beads, decor, etc.  Since I am a cheap bitch...*unless it is Moscato* I drove ALL the way to work which we all know how much I like to leave the damn house, got the cash, THEN deposited into the bank, returned home to purchase said St Patty's day TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY supplies. I come home, get firmly settled online and proceed to pick out all my goodies...Total comes to $103. I drew $140 from work so that I could then go to another website and order lighted cocktail trays for my TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY...(the caps are making you want to be there huh?) Anyhoo...Oriental Trading Company's website declines my card saying billing adress doesn't match...whatever I know it does. Anyway I proceed to call the company and the Indian woman on the phone..HARDLY SPEAKS ENGLISH!!! But, I exhale and work past it. She tells me my order didn't go thru and my card wasn't charged...BULLSHIT!!!! My spidey sense was tingling like a MoFo!!! I KNEW it was but I believed 'what's her face' and proceeded to order yet again $103 of stuff for my TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY. Hang up, pat myself on the back for being BEST DJ EVER and go about my FB'in...Huh, email prompt, ok, I will check....WHAT THE FUCK!! My Chase account is overdrawn!!!! THAT LYING BITCH!!!! I WILL HUNT HER DOWN AND SLAP THE DAMN CURRY OUT HER MOUF!!! SO I call Chase and find out the issue, (I am nice to them, they hold my wine money) then proceed to call OTC back, REALLY I then get the Spanish chic...FML!!! I ask to speak to a supervisor, which after 30 'What's' from me, I hang up and call back...finally get connected to the Supervisor who comforts me with the 'guarantee'...

Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. 

SO being the super awesome smart bitch I am, I three way her with the bank...(yup I had a 3-way today)...got them connected, gave my info, and then said "fight it out, get my money and my shit, I will hold" GO NATE AT CHASE!!! Guess who has expedited shipping and her account fixed...
SO there you go Ladies and Gents, F U ORIENTAL, F U....you sucked up 1 hour of my time and I could've been doing other things...like playing hidden object games....or Facebooking....You are now on my list....right next to Wal-Mart.....F U!!!
Btw, on St Patty's day the Oasis is having a TOTALLY KICK ASS ROCKING PARTY...

My AWSOME assignment...*yes I know, spelled wrong*

Soo apparently I am awesome in TWO countries!!!! WOOT!!! Canada and the lovely USA!!! So my friend Carmen has tagged me in what seems to be a blog reach-around...who doesn't love a reach around???? I have to list 7 things about myself that people don't know..here goes...*DISCLAIMER* once I do this the awesomeness will CONSUME you!!!!

1. Whenever I am sick I watch the Anne of Green Gables movies...all of them...and I LOVE them...and NO I am not embarrassed.
2. I love the beach more then anything (the oregon coast)...more then sushi, more then sex, more then the seafood alfredo at Pudgys....and as soon as the gays can marry, I am going to marry the beach..(cuz apparently once we allow gay marriage it opens up the doors to marry anything)
3. When I was 4 my brother and I put our cat in a Lego bucket during my mother having the Relief Society ladies over for lunch...they were horrified...I found it hilarious..
4. I could literally sit and play hidden object games on the computer ALL DAY..I am crack cocaine addicted, and it has happened...many times...
5. I LOVE  The Boomerang channel on cable, we actually pay an extra $20 a month for cable so Jonathan I can watch Flintstones, and Jetsons....
6. I despise mushrooms yet insist on trying them every time someone is eating them 'Just in case'....
7. I am actually extremely unsocial... I know, I know, I am a DJ but I actually prefer to be by myself or with Kevin and the boys...leaving the house is an annoyance to me...

So there are my 7 things...I know you are just blown away by how truly kick ass I am....I wish I had 15 blogger friends but I don't...remember I am unsocial...

HEAD COUNT!!

Adam is still alive...just thought I would let you all know. It was touch and go there for a while, but then Kevin and I remembered he has a social and so he is in the system.....damn government..

I can't believe I survived...

I know, I know...I haven't written in forever BUT in my defense, I THOUGHT about writing a whole bunch of times...and it was funny shit, like really, really funny shit...anyhoo...Let me start off by giving myself a huge pat on the back for my children still being alive...and mostly ok...by ok I mean no noticeable bruising.  I have 3; 14, 12 and 7...the 14 causes me to drink...heavily. It is 5:09 and I am on my second glass of Moscato, which at this point I should just start investing in Barefoot since I will be drinking it by the gallon until the kids move out.  I refuse to admit I have a problem since it's wine AND I drink it out of an actual wine glass, once I switch to the plastic cups like they do on Intervention THEN I might take a step back. Until then I am fine and keeping it classy. All my 14 yr old does is bitch and moan about how rough he has it..poor kid, 3200 square ft home, PS3, Gamecube, 2 laptops, one desktop with a 22' monitor. 5 tvs...ya he is really Laura fuckin Ingalls over here. Our most recent fight is the 9.99$ charge on my cell phone bill due to some goddamn text bs he signed up for..I am trying to budget and cut corners here (Don't you dare bring up the money I spend on wine...seriously your safety depends on it) He proceeds to tell me we should move into a trailer so we can afford more things instead of the $900 mortgage we pay...I am about to drop him off at the nearest park. Go ahead dude. Knock yourself out, hope you like mac and cheese and the smell of bad whiskey and Pal Mal cigs...He is also pissed because I won't let him have internet on his phone..REALLY DUDE??? You are 14!!! I HIGHLY doubt you will be doing 'research' on the worldwide web. Unless 'research' is Youporn..I am not stupid. Oh wait, he has something really important to say...BRB...
WOW REALLY??? Apparently his friends all think I 'suck' and am 'gay'...well shit...guess I will just off myself right now. The peanut gallery full of jackasses at the local high school think I suck..Shit. Now what..LIKE I GIVE A SHIT!!!
I cannot believe my mother didn't kill me. Seriously. I was a HORRIBLE teenager. I remember. Thank you mother for giving me a chance at life. *insert 3rd glass*
Kevin just got home, this will get good soon:) Well here goes nothing,. Maybe later I will write more. As for now I am going to enjoy the 'circus of despair' that is about to happen in the kitchen...

Shit's about to get real....

I started my period yesterday. Yuck, I know. I am over it, and due to the fact that I have NO INTEREST in having more children, like I would compare me getting pregnant right now as torturous as having to watch Battlefield Earth on repeat for 9 months...I seriously have NO USE for a period. I listened to Bob Barker and had my 'pet' Kevin clipped. Yup I am back to being 17, which pretty much means sex with no responsibilty. Minus the fear of your parents walking in. I HATE my period, I hate the cramps, discomfort, sleep with one eye open, bloody (said with English accent to make it less gross) mess in the morning, and the great hunt for the best products out there. The commercials for it are ridiculous. I have NEVER met a group of women on their periods laughing and drinking wine talking about Always and Tampax...NEVER. What they should show is a bunch of crying bitches, eating HoHo's by the dozen, clawing each others eye's out and watching Lifetime. Now that is real, not the bitch in white stretch pants doing Yoga...First off, I have never met ANYONE that looks good in white stretch pants, second that does Yoga...The LAST thing I want to do while bleeding profusely is stretch or do ANYTHING in a 'dog position'.

Another thing I would like to dwell on for a second. Phone Apps. Now, we as a society cannot do anything without an app. I leave notes, alarms, appt info, grocery list, to do list, and ever so importantly my period schedule, cuz seriously at 35 I act shocked as fuck EVERY time I get my period..Like it's the first time. Literally scream the 'WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY' once a month. I cannot for the life of me remember when my period is due. No lie, ask anyone I am close too, every month before Apps, I was asking, 'Hey when was our period last'? Cuz I can't remember, ever. Thank god for the Apps, I now know when it is about to happen and am able to prep myself. 
SO here I am on a Friday morning, miserable, crying, drinking a quad shot latte, sheets in the washer, woke up early to a crime scene, feeling bloated and about to eat an ice cream sandwich for breakfast while smoking one cig after another...I feel sorry for the person that even attempts to fuck with me today...I am one Hallmark commercial away from some sort of breakdown and I swear if Kevin doesn't walk in the door with a cheeseburger shit is gonna get real....F you uterus...F you...

38, 38, 38....only if she's 5'3....

JUST STOP CHUBBY GIRLS!! SERIOUSLY!!!
Ok, ok, sorry...I HAD to get that off my chest...
SO, tonight I decided to FB stalk, who you ask? Umm anyone and everyone...and I have come to a realization, chubby girls take the same pic, every damn time...how do I know this you ask? Cuz I am one....and after Fb stalking my own profile, I have realized I have the same pics of myself!
Why are we as chubby girls (insert totally awesome secret chubby girl handshake, which most likely includes some sort of pasta) SO embarrassed to take an actual picture??? Honestly after tonight? I will...you know why? CUZ SOME BITCHES BE UGLY!!! And ugly is WAY worse then chubby...! Honestly....I am hot chubby...like 'fat' in all the right places chubby....so why am I so against an actual picture??? I can't answer that...Seriously, I can't. Let me be straight with you, I am NOT insecure, my husband L O V E S my curves...seriously, he does, and he can't get enough..I have no problem 'rockin the tank top', wearing a bathing suit, or really anything. I am not insecure about my figure, or my weight...SO, with that being said; why the usual 'duck-bill MySpace Pic'? I really wish I had some totally kick ass answer but I don't. BUT, I can give you insight...*DISCLAIMER* I have had a bottle of wine tonight...ok, ok AND some Jager...whatever...Anyhoo..Here is my insight;

We as a society of woman are not allowed to be 'chubby'. We are told to be skinny and 'fit'. Well to be honest? I don't exercise. EVER. Like, I get winded walking thru the store 'don't exercise'. And you know what? I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Truthfully, I don't. Why are we as woman supposed to be skinny but 'douchy white guy' at the bar can be chubby, balding and drooling on himself as he tries to pick you up? Why is THAT acceptable, but the chic that is over a size 10 isn't?? You don't see guys embarrassed to take pics EVER. They will flaunt their beer guts all over the damn place!! AND they act shocked and/or offended when you as 'chubby girls' turn them down!!! Like they are doing you a damn favor!! Look Drunky Mclives with his mom...YOU ARE NOT A 10...In fact, you are a 3...and a half...(there is that bottle of Moscato talking). And you should be blessed that I even allowed you to talk to me...

Look ladies..love yourselves, embrace yourselves....If you want to be fit? Be fit. If you are completely content being a little 'chubby' then order a second fry. Who gives a damn? Chances are, you are beautiful. Now before Jillian Michaels messages me, I am NOT saying run to Mcdonalds and order a 24..(Btw, that is a 7, 6, and and 11...) That just isn't healthy. But I am saying, be secure in who you are, love who you are, and rock it. Take pics of you being awesome. Because the fact is men love confidence. There is honestly nothing sexier to a man then a confident woman....because confident women own that shit in the sack, and men? LOVE THAT...

You go girl....I don't care who you are, that bitch is sexy...

Blowholes and jager....

SOOOO apparently my hottub has the memories comparable to a spring break trip to Cabo with Lindsay Lohan....Here is the deal, I LOVE Jager...like, LOVE Jager...it is my drink of choice and I am HI-larious when I drink Jager! Ok, ok, honestly I feel I am Hi-larious when I drink ANYTHING..but my friends feel Jager is my awesome juice! So my favorite thing to do is get a couple bottles of...umm..ANYTHING and sit in the hottub with Kevin and my besties...and of course a big bottle of Jager..(hey did I tell you I like Jager yet?).

So I could literally sit here and tell you a minimum of a dozen stories in the hottub and me on Jager but I don't want you all to know how SEVERELY AWESOME I really am, cuz then you will be all intimidated by my superb awesomeness.  So I will tell you just one.

Last summer a couple of my FAV lesbian girls came over and DUH we decided to hottub, why not? It was 90 degrees out...So we of course get our 'hottub set-up' going and prepared for a night of STRAIGHT (no pun intended..seriously) EPICNESS!!! What is a hottub set-up you ask? Well for those of you that have not had the absolute pleasure of hottubing with me, here goes.  A hottub set-up includes the following; a bowl for your smokes and a towel to wipe off your hands, all drinks you will need want, cups, towels, and extra ice.
So we pop on our 'temporary' suits, (I say temporary cuz..ahh fuck it, you guys are smart) and we hop on in!!

Now on a normal hottub night, it would continue on with stupidty, peeing over the side and HORRIBLE jokes...BUT this one was different. Now my one friend decided she didn't want to get in, due to 'someone had to be responsible'...show off. BUT my other friend is a FUCKING ROCK STAR and hopped right in..So me, ROCK STAR friend and Kevin. *Now before you think this sounds like a Dear Hustler letter, move on. Not gonna happen, and if it did (which it didn't) I wouldn't tell you pervs about it.*

We continue with said hottub awesomness and I get W A S T E D!! Now I don't give a shit how old you are, when you are drunk, showing your ass is HI-larious...SO *SUPER AWESOME FUNNY DRUNK AS SHIT* Gina decides to show her ass to the show off  'responsible'  friend who is not in the tub. Now normally when showing your ass, you just bend over, fall forward and laugh uncontrollably...NOT SUPER AWESOME FUNNY DRUNK AS SHIT Gina!!! I bent over and spread em!! YUP one bottle of Jager in! Which prompts my ROCK STAR friend to scream 'Stop showing your blowhole'!! Which then prompts my 'show off' friend to spit coffee out of her nose and proceed to dry heave over the grass.  So since I was W A S T E D this proceeded to go on ALL night and trust me, ROCK STAR friend and I thought this was as funny as a fart in 1st grade. Our 'show off' friend and my adoring husband, were not so impressed...*sober people pfftt*.  I ran with that shit for WEEKS...nothing shuts a mouthy lesbian Italian up quicker then 'I will show you my blowhole!!'
I still laugh about that, and I am sorry but Drunk Gina is HI-larious...and I am positive I will have many more awesome hottub stories to share with you all.  In the meantime I will act respectable while giggling to myself and thinking of the night of the full moon and the blowhole...

My mullet can beat up your mullet!!!

SO It has actually been a good day..somewhat...sort of. Ok, so I woke up at normal time, 11:30...judge me and shower, then leave to go to the BIG CITY of Idaho falls, why do I say BIG CITY do you ask? Because they have the things in which allows the lovely *cough, choke, sputter* great state of Idaho to qualify them to be a BIG CITY....an Olive Garden and an Old Navy!! So anyhoo, we go to the BIG CITY to do some shopping and some lunch and have a pretty enjoyable day.....(DUN DUN DUN)  until...I am in Old Navy and receive a text from my A-mazing hair/nail/friend lady that her little gay brother was beaten up outside our gay club in Pocatello...I KNOW RIGHT???

We don't have an Old Navy but we have a gay club???? I was just as shocked..but anyhoo...I recieve this text and am immediately outraged. I mean c'mon..seriously?? You beat up the 21 year old gay kid..WHY? Cuz he was....WALKING OUT OF THE GAY BAR??? *GASP*...what kind of small dick minded mother fuckers are you??? I mean really people...it is 2012...guess what? Women can vote now!! I KNOW!! Crazy huh?? OH and when you beat your wife, she can report you now!!! Stupid women, gays, and blacks with their opinions and rights....*pffftt*...if only we could go back to squirrel hunting and whittling!! Trust me I am just as annoyed as you! As a woman with a strong opinion, I SURELY wish we could go back to my husband thinking for me!! I tell you what, nothing is more annoying then me having my own thoughts, rights, and dreams!! Talk about exhausting!!! MORONS!! C'mon people put away your camo, rebel flag and wacky tobacky and GROW THE FUCK UP!!!

Sorry us HIGH-FLUTING liberals came along with our NUTTY ideas of equality and tolerance! Just think! IF we let the gays marry, you can FINALLY marry that hot first cousin of yours and NOBODY will judge you, cuz apparently gay marraige leads to marrying your car, dog, truck and gun rack...look people the truth is, who cares? How is the gay community effecting you? Honestly? What is the worst that could happen from you accepting them? You learn how to match your flannel to your gun rack?

The facts are this; people are people, and who they decide to sleep with is none of your DAMN BUSINESS...I mean truthfully, the heteros do WAY weirder stuff then the gays in bed...I know cuz I am hetero...and honestly 10 jagers in...I am a frigging Quentin Tarantino film in the sack. SO who are we to judge? I mean really Idaho, can we PLEASE concentrate on why there isn't an Old Navy in Poky instead of why there are gay people??? I feel like that is WAY more pressing....Now if you will excuse me, my husband is home and I need to ask him what my thoughts are on dinner...cuz I am absolutely to dumb to do that on my own!!!

Update on said annoying cashier....

Great...went to get smokes today and said cashier and SUPER AWESOME BABY OF THE FUCKIN YEAR..are moving out...apparently unemployed boyfriend called her a stupid fat fuckin c*#t!! WOWZAHS!!! SOOOO my responsibility is to let her know if any apartments come up..Jeez, I might have to call into work now!!! Looks like I am apartment hunting? NO..please lady just hand me my cigs in peace....Looks to me like you are now one of the reasons I am unable to quit.....shut up, please...

35 and rockin it!!!

I am 35 now..I am not embarrassed, nor ashamed, nor lie about my age...ever. You know why? (besides my A-mazing 35 year old rack OR the fact that my husband still peeks in the shower and smiles) Because I am smart..like I have figured it out smart..and I find a secret joy in laughing at people!

Obvious great rack and flexibility, husband loves both.....:)

I know this may seem harsh but seriously let me defend explain myself.  I have lived quite a life and seen alot. I have seen some really horrible pain, in my own life and others.. I have fallen many many times but EVERY time have picked myself up, shook it off and kept walking. I have been the strength for almost everyone in my life. I have also been the cause of pain in those lives as well.. I am also not ashamed, or embarrassed by that... (WHAT?? Did she REALLY just say that?????)

Yes, and here is why; Every single time I have been hurt, or done the hurting I have learned, and so have they (you're welcome....jk) It has made me stronger, more humble, and a better person. I have learned the power of forgiveness and the power of being forgiven.  There is almost nothing in my life I would take back. Except maybe the pounds, seriously...I am kind of chubby.

So that brings me to explain why I am smart and have figured it out.  Here is why. At the ripe YOUNG age of 35 I have realized what really matters...being true to yourself. Saying what is on your mind, telling others how you feel, that INCLUDES ladies telling me my ass DOES look fat in those jeans.  I have spent so many FUCKING years not being honest to myself. Telling people what they want to hear. Not being open about my feelings being hurt, being taken advantage of or just plain being angry. And what has that caused? A bunch of bullshit relationships I didn't even want to have. A bunch of hurt feelings and anger towards others that could have been avoided. Friendships that didn't have to end, and some that should've.

My New Years resolution was simple. I pretty much avoided the whole 'quit smoking, weight loss' thing...cuz let's be honest I love to eat and smoke...(not at the same time though, that is just weird) My New Years resolution is to be honest. Say what I am feeling, and no longer be the doormat I have been.  I have always allowed people to walk on me, take advantage of me and my time and I am done...it has gotten me nowhere. If I don't wanna talk to you? Guess what, I won't answer my phone, If I don't want you to come over, Guess what? I will tell you no.  If you're struggling and need a place to crash? Guess what, I will happily give you the number to Super 8, but your broke ass ain't crashing on my couch.

In 16 years of being married, Kevin and I have lived alone for a total of 4...DONE.

I am not a doormat or someone you can boss around...only person that can boss me? KEVIN...but he is GREAT in the sack and I am NOT fucking that whole thing up. I have 4 people I will go out of my way to take care of, I will give you a hint...3 I gave birth to:)

Now before you pick up your phone to text me and ask if I am talking about you...Chances are I might be, a little:) BUT if you still get an answer when you text me these days, you are safe and I love you very much.  I realize I am coming across harsh but the truth is I am tired...so very tired of everyone else's problems, everyone else's complaints and gripes. I have LITERALLY put other people before my family, helped other people instead of focusing on what really mattered and I am not doing it anymore.  I am finally at an age where I am secure in who I am and what matters. I am finally able to say no...I know it shocks some of you to hear that I have that problem but I do...I also know the people that know me the best are probably saying 'About damn time Gina!!!!'

I look around me all the time and see people miserable because they are too scared to stand up for themselves....DO IT!!! I mean honestly what is the worst that could happen really?? You end a relationship with a friend, lover, coworker, family member? Honestly after the initial drama, you will probably be VERY relieved!!

Trust me..I have done it..recently, and you know what? I DON'T MISS HER!! My life is quieter without her in it....I had some great times with her, but glad it's over..look at it this way..I had great times with Patron Tequila too, BUT sure glad I don't hang out with him anymore!!

So now that I have finally learned that I can truly be happy. I can avoid feeling and causing unnecessary pain. Look within yourselves, find what is causing you unnecessary pain and get rid of it. Learn to say no, learn to stand up when someone hurts you, chances are it might be me! And if I do? I will apologize and move on, cuz honestly, life is way to short. I do not want to look back and wish I would have done things differently.

And I can truthfully say, I would never hurt those closest to me intentionally, chances are I didn't mean it...or I was drunk..but honestly if I was drunk it doesn't count...cuz nothing you do counts when you're drunk....Right?? Jeez I hope not!!

 I can't wait to be 40...I can only imagine what I will learn by then!! But for right now? I am happy being 35, I am madly in love, happily married, have 3 healthy kids and some great friends and family! I am grateful to the people in my life that I have CHOSEN to be there. I mean, it could be worse right?? We could be this guy!

God I hate that guy.....doesn't everyone though?

Italians do more then GTL......

So as Kevin and I were flipping thru the TV the other night we fell upon Jersey Shore...Good Fuck! As an Italian woman who was partly raised by a couple EXTREMELY Italian grandmothers, (one fresh off the  boat) I must say what an absolute embarrassment this is.  Let's be honest here, all heritages have some sort of stereotype.  I could list them here but their are a few I am afraid of.... But the Italians have Jersey Shore and that has got to be the biggest embarrassment of all. I mean let's list the characters shall we?

Snooki- This bitch is the worst. She is notorious for what? Getting drunk and showing her cannoli to the entire bar..Let's be honest, nobody wants to see that...NOBODY!! Line from the show; "Nobody wants to sleep in my bed, I peed in it last season!" REALLY???? I am pretty sure urine is the LEAST horrible thing that has happened in that bed. She is a disgrace...My ancestors didn't hop a boat so this train wreck could represent us!

JWOW- Ya, WOW, that sums it up...WOW, you are a whore, WOW, you are a drunk, WOW, you have fake tits...I will give her the fact that the chic has a slammin body, but with MTV money she can afford it...I can't WAIT for this chic to have kids...how is she EVER going to be taken seriously..I feel like even her toddlers will slam tequila and tell her to GFY!! (go fuck yourself)

Mike 'The situation'- Yup, we got a situation for sure here.  If you wikipedia 'toolbag' this guy will pop up..Can I please meet the dumb bitches that are stupid enough to sleep with this guy so I can CROTCH PUNCH THEM?? Really??? I am embarrassed to have a vagina because of those bitches..How does one fall for the guy that is 'The situation'? What line could he POSSIBLY throw?? I feel like any chic that has and or wants to fuck this guy should have their hole sewed shut to avoid possible procreation.  God forbid we have another 'Situation'...

Sammi-Ugh...all I have to say is this; TAKE A MIDOL, STFU, HE WILL NEVER STOP CHEATING ON YOU, STOP FUCKIN CRYING, NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!!! That is all...thank you:)

Ronnie-Really? Hydroxycut? Really? You have Ronnie as your spokesperson...guess what? NOBODY TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY ANYMORE!! Smart move...STUPID! Effin Ronnie, ya he's not on Steroids..NOPE not at all..right, and Snooki can do math. Right.

Pauly D- I am thinking eventually his HAIR, and by hair I mean ALL OF IT, will just eventually chip off..I haven't seen that much product since the 80's and Winger was popular. He is a DJ, so am I...yes, it's embarrassing..But I will give him credit for at least having a job!

Deena-OMG.....OMG....has anyone seen this girls knees??? WOWZAHS!! Guess we all know how she pays bills....if you want anymore info see Snookis descripton...they are pretty much identical fuck ups.

Vinny- Honestly I can't say much about him, he seems like he has the ability to be somewhat normal..the episode we watched showed him going home. Hopefully he pulls out while he still has a chance.

This whole show makes me cringe. As Italians we already have enough negative stereotypes; eaters, mobsters, killers, cadillacs, I mean honestly we are one rap album away from being Lil Wayne..but if all we have to represent us are these fools? We have no shot...it scares me at times, I did live in Jersey at one point...it makes me shiver to think I was one decision away from being an Orange, drunk retard who wears leopard print and pink lipstick...Praise be to God we moved...Please remember people that all Italians are not like this, some of us have brains...and we use them...not all of us behave like drunken monkeys! God help us all if this is all we get 

I feel like I am gonna vomit...even the Corona's are embarrassed....Hopefully people will tune into Cake Boss more....at least that is somewhat more of a real representation of Italian families.

That annoying cashier...

So the neighborhood I live has two unnamed K&B, Common Cents, convenient stores right next to it. I frequent both of those shops whether it's for gas, smokes, (ahem) beer, wine, etc...and the cashiers have gotten to know me very well...lucky me. 

See as a smoker I have tried to quit many times...of course to no avail.  I know I need to, I am 35 and I am just too damn old for it. I am not ready, I have 3 kids, 2 of which are teenagers and I work in a bar....blow me...The problem is I happened to mention it to a cashier at unnamed *cough* K&B, about a month ago...now this bitch is up my ass about it, which in turn makes me cross a stop light to go to 'other' above named store.  She literally talks my ear off which makes a 3 minute stop into a guilt ridden 'experience'.  For some reason this chic thinks we are friends and I care to hear about her ADORABLE, SUPER SMART, AWESOME, HIGHLY DEVELOPED BABY OF THE FUCKIN YEAR!!!

Look lady, I don't care to see your baby pics, hear how she was SOOOO good during pictures, I mean honestly she is 3 weeks old, what was she gonna do? Show up drunk, swearing and flip the photographer off? Let's be honest, most newborns are good during pics, look me up when your 'angel' is 3, I am DYING to know how that goes:)

Not to mention having to hear about her recently layed off boyfriend and if I hear of any jobs to let her know...(side note; help wanted sign in the window....Bueller....Bueller...anyone....?No...ok..) Cuz I am honestly gonna start pounding the pavement for said BABY OF THE YEAR'S father???

Here is my favorite part...apparently I am well known in town...yup, I am famous, in Poky...that's like being the 'Most likely to end up a criminal' in HS...She just found out today I work in a bar...YIPPEE!! So all of a sudden her boyfriend is able to be a bouncer and/or bartender....REALLY???? HAHA!! Look muffin, I have ZERO interest in your beer gut having, tooth missing, teardrop tattoo having, loser of a boyfriend who GOT FIRED FROM WENDYS....(true story) in charge of my safety, not to mention he will probably have pictures of that ugly ass kid you are always shoving in my face. So then nowhere will be safe!!! Have him try the balloon guy on the corner of Yellowstone and Oak, GUARANTEE that guy doesn't do background checks!!

So now due to the fact that I have failed to quit smoking I now have to remember when I went to which store so I can avoid a lecture from the cashier, avoid pics of said baby, and avoid being asked one more time if I have heard of any jobs...obviously I am now in charge of Poky unemployment...So this has become a pain in my ass.

So to all cashiers out there, (I worked at Common Cents for years btw), the truth is, I have no interest in being your friend, hearing about your kids, or having you step in on my battle with nicotine. Please allow me to purchase my items in peace and my smokes, beer and wine with no guilt...I have enough, I am Italian, we are born with it:)

Parenting.....

So I am wide awake at 2:41 a.m. and decided to clean. I cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes, laundry and straightened the house. Why? Why you ask? I can't answer that, cuz I am still trying to figure that out. As I was cleaning my house in the quiet with everyone asleep I had much time to reflect and I came up with these thoughts. You are welcome.

I have 3 boys, 14, 12, and 6 (yes he was a surprise). And I am gonna be honest here, judge if you want but the people closest to me know I would literally lay my life down for these 3, I would fight tooth and nail for them and I have, many times. I am that crazy bitch you wouldn't want as a mother trust me. I am THAT mom that will show up at your school to beat up the 7th grader making fun of you. Nobody likes that mom, but I am not against sitting in jail to teach a douchey kid what their loser parents fail too. Fuck with my children and you WILL regret it. I am sick and twisted and can think of things to do to you that even Snooki wouldn't think of, and that bitch is CRAZY, with a capital Jager bomb! So anyhoo, after getting that out of the way, allow me to elaborate on the 3 shittiest roommates I have ever had! If you have kids you know exactly what I mean! They eat all your food, break your shit, run up the utilities and never pay rent! SHITTIEST ROOMMATES EVER!!!

My oldest -Adam- is 14 and going on awesome, he is pretty pissed we still live here and I am sure wishes we would just move out. The middle -Christian- is 12 and still trying to figure out what the crap is going on with his body and mind, he likes girls but still thinks they are gross and literally getting hair in weird places (we are italian, I am not sure what to tell him) now the youngest -Jonathan or Piz- is 6 and is a DOUCHE I absolutely did give birth to myself with a penis. He can crack me up and piss me off in the same 2 minutes.

As I have watched my kids grow I have come to so many realizations; first one is I didn't end up being the mom I thought, I in no way wish I would've had girls, and boys are dirty, like you have to remind them to shower, (don't forget while in shower to remind them to wash, seriously Bill Cosby wasn't kidding, they will stand under the water til it's cold and not wash a damn thing ) brush their teeth and change their dirty underwear . It has also become a habit for me to wipe a toilet seat before I sit, not because I want to because I HAVE to, if I don't I WILL sit on piss. I have also learned I am grateful for my childhood, I am grateful I went thru the pain and heartache I did. I am grateful I came from a broken home, I am grateful I was horribly poor, I am grateful that I wore hand me downs and didn't have a bunch of toys.

I know that we are told as parents in this generation that we spoil our kids and they don't know the concept of a dollar, or hard work, and maybe they are right. But as parents it is our responsibility to raise contributing members of society. I will never be the 'cool mom' I will never be the mom who let's her kid drink with her because 'I would rather them do it with me then behind my back'! Guess what dummy? They are doing it with you AND behind your back! My kids will have to learn things in a different way I did. I learned by watching my parents make mistakes, I learned by watching my family crumble due to the effects of drugs and alcohol. My boys will have to learn by me teaching them.

Too many parents these days try so hard to get their kids to like them. I would rather teach my kids to respect me and themselves. That is really all you need to teach your children, respect. With that comes everything else.

As I watch my boys grow from babies, to toddlers, to young men, to men I see things in them that make me proud. My kids my be bratty or out of control at times, and they may have their struggles, but I can promise you, my kids will not, break the law, live off of me, beat their wives, neglect their children or be lazy. They will be amazing husbands and fathers because they have Kevin as the example of that.  They have been shown and taught better. These boys will make me proud, regardless if they are plumbers or lawyers. As I look around me at some parents I am blown away by the lack of responsibility they take with the behaviors of their children. Children learn what they see.  Look within yourself and see what you are doing to help your children succeed, see what you are doing to help them fail! I know I do things everyday I could do better. I know there are a bunch of times I could've been better examples to my boys, but I try my best and I love them unconditionally and they see that.

Kids are smarter then we are sometimes and they see things we don't all the time. I as a parent need to stand up for my mistakes I make everyday as a mother and I know I do. I know that while I may make jokes about them driving me nuts and just needing some damn quiet, or why can't they go to school year round (seriously why?) let one of them be a few minutes late walking home and I am having a nervous breakdown, let one of them leave my sight in the store and I will flip shit!

These guys make me want to puke and pull my hair out some days, but I seriously wouldn't change it for the world. Being a mother to these guys has been trying at times, but I am who I am because of them. I have learned more by these guys then they will ever learn by me. As you look at your kids today, ignore the fighting and the crayon on the wall, the piss on the toilet seat, your last piece of chocolate you were saving to eat while watching Mob Wives (judge me), your torn couch, your lost remote, (my BIGGEST pet peeve BTW) your sticky keyboard and your dirty house and remember that they are little people learning from your every move, your every thought and your every action. 

And also remember vengeance is sweet, for one day, you will be the one drooling and shitting your pants and they will have to clean you!! I know for a fact my parents get a little enjoyment every time they come over and my kids are fighting, it's 4pm and I haven't showered yet and the house is a disaster...your time will come! Just pray you raised kids that will take care of you..cuz if not you're stuck with the 18 year old kid at the home trying to earn money for more weed and a 40 ounce, and nobody wants that kid...trust me!

Food stamp day

So I don't give a shit where you live, what country, region, universe, ANYWHERE.  You know what Food stamp day means. It means; GET YOUR ASS TO THE NEAREST WALMART!!!!

You are missing out if you decide to stay home. You don't even have to buy anything walk around with a diet coke, flask, coffee, video camera, I don't give a shit!! Just GO!!

Let me elaborate.

 went today, YUP, HAPPY NEW YEAR TOO ME!!! And guess what? 2012 is gonna be FANfuckINTASTIC!!! You know how I know??? Cuz...(drum roll please) I saw a 2 year old with green hair, no not like some sort of 'accident' but ACTUAL DYED HAIR!!!! I KNOW RIGHT???? Woot frickin woot, God bless America, get me a beer!!!!! Oh his parents were awesome also,  two words....FACE TATS!! You know what face tats mean? It means (and I believe this is Latin) "What, self respect? I'm good!! High paying job? Nope! All set here in mom's basement!" OH AND YOU DYE YOUR BABIES HAIR GREEN!!

Now before people with face tats get pissed and whoop my ass, (which they have no problem doing) Let me elaborate on my feelings of the "face and/or neck tats"

*DISCLAIMER* First of all, if you do not have a friend with one or both of these things? GET ONE! They are the best kind of friends to have, you know why? Cuz they will kill people for you. Nuff said! I myself have a few friends with face/neck tats and they are pretty effin kick ass!!  I will also say tattoo artists are also allowed the face/neck tat...HELLER! Advertising! Face/neck tat on someone who ISN'T a tattoo artist, well let's just say, I hope you like the 'fry station'! Anyhoo, let's move back to FS day.

Part two of Food Stamp Day; KIDS EVERYWHERE!! Parents? NOWHERE!!

Here is the deal, I truly believe that allot of people believe it is socially acceptable to let your kids run around the store, screaming, running into shit and driving EVERYONE crazy while they get to calmly shop the frozen burrito section. Me on the other hand DOES NOT find your child cute, entertaining and or fun to watch! Let's put it this way, I will beat someone else's kid, I am not above it, nor am I embarrassed about it.

Let's play it out.

For arguments sake let's say I see your kid running around when I am trying to make the serious decision between Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Doritos (I know Cool Ranch, hands down) anyway, your adorable ugly, snot nosed, sock missing, dirty ass kid runs into me and knocks my Latte out of my hand, I WILL trip him/her laugh to myself as they fall teeth first to the ground (no worries they didn't have all their teeth yet).

Continuing on, let's also say your child tells you I tripped them, now me with my Old Navy onsom, latte in one hand $500 phone in the other smiling innocently at you saying it was an accident and apologizing profusely will make your child look like a liar. And as you walk away I will smile at your child as they are crying from the very public ass whooping they just received.

Part three of FS day; The lack of bra's!

Seriously ladies c'mon, I don't give a shit what your excuse is, put a damn bra on. Nobody wants to see your 35 year old fun bags swinging to the bad rendition of Ozzy playing on the muzak. It is disgusting, and I can't help but stare. I am not saying 35 year old woman cannot have a great rack, I am 35 and my rack is amazing, really it is. BUT I wear a bra. Seeing two swinging tits in the spice isle at walmart makes me want to puke. So pack them in ladies, put your bra on. PLEASE. Think of the children. Oh wait, you haven't seen yours since you got here 2 hours ago. Well, I just tripped one, in the toy isle as they were shoving unwrapped hot wheels in the pockets of their awkwardly big Starters jacket. Oh and your babies sock is on isle 7.

So there is my favorite parts of FS day. Next month on the 1st, grab a coffee and meet me at Walmart, I will be the one laughing hysterically sitting on the bench tripping random kids as their parents buy filet mignon with my taxes.

*DISCLAIMER* I am not saying ALL people on FS are trash, I myself was on them years ago, but ALL of us know the people I am discussing....Gotta go! Headed to Albertsons! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2011

EAT ME....That is all...thank you:)