Shit's about to get real....

I started my period yesterday. Yuck, I know. I am over it, and due to the fact that I have NO INTEREST in having more children, like I would compare me getting pregnant right now as torturous as having to watch Battlefield Earth on repeat for 9 months...I seriously have NO USE for a period. I listened to Bob Barker and had my 'pet' Kevin clipped. Yup I am back to being 17, which pretty much means sex with no responsibilty. Minus the fear of your parents walking in. I HATE my period, I hate the cramps, discomfort, sleep with one eye open, bloody (said with English accent to make it less gross) mess in the morning, and the great hunt for the best products out there. The commercials for it are ridiculous. I have NEVER met a group of women on their periods laughing and drinking wine talking about Always and Tampax...NEVER. What they should show is a bunch of crying bitches, eating HoHo's by the dozen, clawing each others eye's out and watching Lifetime. Now that is real, not the bitch in white stretch pants doing Yoga...First off, I have never met ANYONE that looks good in white stretch pants, second that does Yoga...The LAST thing I want to do while bleeding profusely is stretch or do ANYTHING in a 'dog position'.

Another thing I would like to dwell on for a second. Phone Apps. Now, we as a society cannot do anything without an app. I leave notes, alarms, appt info, grocery list, to do list, and ever so importantly my period schedule, cuz seriously at 35 I act shocked as fuck EVERY time I get my period..Like it's the first time. Literally scream the 'WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY' once a month. I cannot for the life of me remember when my period is due. No lie, ask anyone I am close too, every month before Apps, I was asking, 'Hey when was our period last'? Cuz I can't remember, ever. Thank god for the Apps, I now know when it is about to happen and am able to prep myself. 
SO here I am on a Friday morning, miserable, crying, drinking a quad shot latte, sheets in the washer, woke up early to a crime scene, feeling bloated and about to eat an ice cream sandwich for breakfast while smoking one cig after another...I feel sorry for the person that even attempts to fuck with me today...I am one Hallmark commercial away from some sort of breakdown and I swear if Kevin doesn't walk in the door with a cheeseburger shit is gonna get real....F you uterus...F you...