Shit's about to get real....

I started my period yesterday. Yuck, I know. I am over it, and due to the fact that I have NO INTEREST in having more children, like I would compare me getting pregnant right now as torturous as having to watch Battlefield Earth on repeat for 9 months...I seriously have NO USE for a period. I listened to Bob Barker and had my 'pet' Kevin clipped. Yup I am back to being 17, which pretty much means sex with no responsibilty. Minus the fear of your parents walking in. I HATE my period, I hate the cramps, discomfort, sleep with one eye open, bloody (said with English accent to make it less gross) mess in the morning, and the great hunt for the best products out there. The commercials for it are ridiculous. I have NEVER met a group of women on their periods laughing and drinking wine talking about Always and Tampax...NEVER. What they should show is a bunch of crying bitches, eating HoHo's by the dozen, clawing each others eye's out and watching Lifetime. Now that is real, not the bitch in white stretch pants doing Yoga...First off, I have never met ANYONE that looks good in white stretch pants, second that does Yoga...The LAST thing I want to do while bleeding profusely is stretch or do ANYTHING in a 'dog position'.

Another thing I would like to dwell on for a second. Phone Apps. Now, we as a society cannot do anything without an app. I leave notes, alarms, appt info, grocery list, to do list, and ever so importantly my period schedule, cuz seriously at 35 I act shocked as fuck EVERY time I get my period..Like it's the first time. Literally scream the 'WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY' once a month. I cannot for the life of me remember when my period is due. No lie, ask anyone I am close too, every month before Apps, I was asking, 'Hey when was our period last'? Cuz I can't remember, ever. Thank god for the Apps, I now know when it is about to happen and am able to prep myself. 
SO here I am on a Friday morning, miserable, crying, drinking a quad shot latte, sheets in the washer, woke up early to a crime scene, feeling bloated and about to eat an ice cream sandwich for breakfast while smoking one cig after another...I feel sorry for the person that even attempts to fuck with me today...I am one Hallmark commercial away from some sort of breakdown and I swear if Kevin doesn't walk in the door with a cheeseburger shit is gonna get real....F you uterus...F you...

38, 38, 38....only if she's 5'3....

JUST STOP CHUBBY GIRLS!! SERIOUSLY!!!
Ok, ok, sorry...I HAD to get that off my chest...
SO, tonight I decided to FB stalk, who you ask? Umm anyone and everyone...and I have come to a realization, chubby girls take the same pic, every damn time...how do I know this you ask? Cuz I am one....and after Fb stalking my own profile, I have realized I have the same pics of myself!
Why are we as chubby girls (insert totally awesome secret chubby girl handshake, which most likely includes some sort of pasta) SO embarrassed to take an actual picture??? Honestly after tonight? I will...you know why? CUZ SOME BITCHES BE UGLY!!! And ugly is WAY worse then chubby...! Honestly....I am hot chubby...like 'fat' in all the right places chubby....so why am I so against an actual picture??? I can't answer that...Seriously, I can't. Let me be straight with you, I am NOT insecure, my husband L O V E S my curves...seriously, he does, and he can't get enough..I have no problem 'rockin the tank top', wearing a bathing suit, or really anything. I am not insecure about my figure, or my weight...SO, with that being said; why the usual 'duck-bill MySpace Pic'? I really wish I had some totally kick ass answer but I don't. BUT, I can give you insight...*DISCLAIMER* I have had a bottle of wine tonight...ok, ok AND some Jager...whatever...Anyhoo..Here is my insight;

We as a society of woman are not allowed to be 'chubby'. We are told to be skinny and 'fit'. Well to be honest? I don't exercise. EVER. Like, I get winded walking thru the store 'don't exercise'. And you know what? I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Truthfully, I don't. Why are we as woman supposed to be skinny but 'douchy white guy' at the bar can be chubby, balding and drooling on himself as he tries to pick you up? Why is THAT acceptable, but the chic that is over a size 10 isn't?? You don't see guys embarrassed to take pics EVER. They will flaunt their beer guts all over the damn place!! AND they act shocked and/or offended when you as 'chubby girls' turn them down!!! Like they are doing you a damn favor!! Look Drunky Mclives with his mom...YOU ARE NOT A 10...In fact, you are a 3...and a half...(there is that bottle of Moscato talking). And you should be blessed that I even allowed you to talk to me...

Look ladies..love yourselves, embrace yourselves....If you want to be fit? Be fit. If you are completely content being a little 'chubby' then order a second fry. Who gives a damn? Chances are, you are beautiful. Now before Jillian Michaels messages me, I am NOT saying run to Mcdonalds and order a 24..(Btw, that is a 7, 6, and and 11...) That just isn't healthy. But I am saying, be secure in who you are, love who you are, and rock it. Take pics of you being awesome. Because the fact is men love confidence. There is honestly nothing sexier to a man then a confident woman....because confident women own that shit in the sack, and men? LOVE THAT...

You go girl....I don't care who you are, that bitch is sexy...

Blowholes and jager....

SOOOO apparently my hottub has the memories comparable to a spring break trip to Cabo with Lindsay Lohan....Here is the deal, I LOVE Jager...like, LOVE Jager...it is my drink of choice and I am HI-larious when I drink Jager! Ok, ok, honestly I feel I am Hi-larious when I drink ANYTHING..but my friends feel Jager is my awesome juice! So my favorite thing to do is get a couple bottles of...umm..ANYTHING and sit in the hottub with Kevin and my besties...and of course a big bottle of Jager..(hey did I tell you I like Jager yet?).

So I could literally sit here and tell you a minimum of a dozen stories in the hottub and me on Jager but I don't want you all to know how SEVERELY AWESOME I really am, cuz then you will be all intimidated by my superb awesomeness.  So I will tell you just one.

Last summer a couple of my FAV lesbian girls came over and DUH we decided to hottub, why not? It was 90 degrees out...So we of course get our 'hottub set-up' going and prepared for a night of STRAIGHT (no pun intended..seriously) EPICNESS!!! What is a hottub set-up you ask? Well for those of you that have not had the absolute pleasure of hottubing with me, here goes.  A hottub set-up includes the following; a bowl for your smokes and a towel to wipe off your hands, all drinks you will need want, cups, towels, and extra ice.
So we pop on our 'temporary' suits, (I say temporary cuz..ahh fuck it, you guys are smart) and we hop on in!!

Now on a normal hottub night, it would continue on with stupidty, peeing over the side and HORRIBLE jokes...BUT this one was different. Now my one friend decided she didn't want to get in, due to 'someone had to be responsible'...show off. BUT my other friend is a FUCKING ROCK STAR and hopped right in..So me, ROCK STAR friend and Kevin. *Now before you think this sounds like a Dear Hustler letter, move on. Not gonna happen, and if it did (which it didn't) I wouldn't tell you pervs about it.*

We continue with said hottub awesomness and I get W A S T E D!! Now I don't give a shit how old you are, when you are drunk, showing your ass is HI-larious...SO *SUPER AWESOME FUNNY DRUNK AS SHIT* Gina decides to show her ass to the show off  'responsible'  friend who is not in the tub. Now normally when showing your ass, you just bend over, fall forward and laugh uncontrollably...NOT SUPER AWESOME FUNNY DRUNK AS SHIT Gina!!! I bent over and spread em!! YUP one bottle of Jager in! Which prompts my ROCK STAR friend to scream 'Stop showing your blowhole'!! Which then prompts my 'show off' friend to spit coffee out of her nose and proceed to dry heave over the grass.  So since I was W A S T E D this proceeded to go on ALL night and trust me, ROCK STAR friend and I thought this was as funny as a fart in 1st grade. Our 'show off' friend and my adoring husband, were not so impressed...*sober people pfftt*.  I ran with that shit for WEEKS...nothing shuts a mouthy lesbian Italian up quicker then 'I will show you my blowhole!!'
I still laugh about that, and I am sorry but Drunk Gina is HI-larious...and I am positive I will have many more awesome hottub stories to share with you all.  In the meantime I will act respectable while giggling to myself and thinking of the night of the full moon and the blowhole...